I know it’s been a long, long time

Well, I know in my last blog entry I said I probably wouldn’t write again for awhile because I no longer have the laptop… and that’s very true… but let me tell ya… I’m not sure even if I DID have the laptop I would have been blogging much.  Between the credit union and Wal-Mart, life has been crazy.  I feel like I’m at work all the time!  I know it’s only for a period in my life, but I can’t even see how long that period is right now.  I don’t even have time to sit down and work on a budget, and isn’t that the point of me having a second job?  So I can work within a budget and get debt paid off?

And my depression has manifested.  Not only am I sad a lot now, and tired, like always, but I have all this pent-up rage.  I know I’ve gone through periods in my life like this (aka my teenage years), but now, as an adult I know it’s completely unacceptable to sit down and throw a temper tantrum or to throw every dish in my house at the wall.  Which just frustrates me more escalating the rage.  My doctor seems concerned about this and has changed up my medication (and given me this blue foamy thing to hit when I’m mad J  That just makes me laugh sometimes).  I’m not sure it’s entirely working though.  One thing I can say about Wal-Mart… it really shows my extremes… my total highs where my coworkers are encouraging me to go outside and run around the building a few times to work off some energy… and my total lows where I just want to scream at everyone “What the HELL is EVERYONE doing her on Saturday afternoon!!!!!!!!!!”  I can’t decide which “me” is harder to reign in.

Lots has happened since I last blogged… obviously.  I don’t even think I was working at Wal-Mart (or potentially working at Wal-Mart) the last time I wrote.  I’ve changed my availability schedule since signing on with them b/c I’ve made it to one church service in the last month and a half.  And I think that’s effecting me a lot.  I’ve made some really major decisions/mistakes these last couple of months… I think things just get off when I’m off my spiritual schedule.  I’m totally not legalistic in my religion, but schedule is important to my health in a lot of ways, so I don’t doubt it’s important to me spiritually.

And the biggest thing is I can look at some of the things that have happened, that I’ve done and I have one of three responses:

1.  In my high moments I’m like, “who gives a flying $*#&, live a little”

2.  In my low moments I’m self-deprecating and overly critical of myself and I get TOTALLY pissed:  at myself and at the “rules” that make me hate myself

3.  When I’m like I am now, so exhausted by either emotion and wanting to totally shut down, I just want to shut down… I’m not remorseful, I’m not repentant, I’m just ready to give up…

On everything.

I’m not really sure who I hate more… the overly happy me that annoys even me or the me who hates everyone and everything…

  

And so I try my hardest to reside in the me that is neither high nor low, here nor there.  The me that is nothing, the me that is nowhere… The me that calls off work and sleeps for 22 straight hours…  The me that would rather stay in her room than venture out and risk seeing someone who might ask her to feel or be… the me that at this moment wants nothing to do with anyone ever again… and can’t think of any plausible way to make that feeling go away… and thus begins to think of ways to give in