Why Blog?

I’ve been reading some great blogs lately and it has got me thinking about why people blog and, more specifically, why I do so. 

And you know what, it’s not that hard for me to answer that.  I started blogging because it’s always been easier for me to express myself through writing than through speaking.  I remember times in actual relationships where what I’ve had to say has been so hard I’ve written it out and made the other person read it rather than speaking.  I’m not so avoidant that I wouldn’t discuss it with them afterwards, but I’ve always been so afraid that I  wouldn’t be able to fully express in spoken words. 

SO I began blogging as a way of reaching out; of helping the people around me really understand what was going on with me and my cry for help.  It worked.  Friends encouraged me to finally examine my inner life and get help for the deep depressive state I was in on both a physical and emotional level.  They were amazing friends and it was in that time when I learned what I thought was true and absolute friendship.  They loved me enough to not stand by and watch me spiral into unhealthy places.  I had never had relationships in my life like that.  I didn’t think that I would ever be able to survive without those friendships.

And in that time of my life I pretty much don’t think I could have.  But I was able to dig out of that hole, much with their help. 

And those friends have never changed.  They still refuse to stand by and watch as I make, what they consider, unhealthy choices.  Unfortunatly, the definition of “unhealthy” is much more subjective now.  Before, it was easy for everyone to be on the same page that spending days in bed and contemplating suicide were “unhealthy.”  Now it’s my choice of a boyfriend and the choices I’m making for our personal love life.  They, of course, feel there’s no subjectivity to “God’s Law.”  Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as secure as they are knowing God’s absolute will, hince the subjectivity. 

When Donn and I moved in together, I was forced to sever those ties.  Everytime we would hang out it would inevitably come around to their “disappointment” (in the form of them being the people who’ve only ever loved me and love me more than anything and they can’t stand to see me living so far from God) in me and me bawling until 3:00 am.  My subjective opinion is that THAT was unhealthy. 

But for the last four years, they were my life.  They were my community, they were my support, they were my everything.  When life in my family was shitty, they were there.  When life at my job(s) was shitty, they were there.  They were constant.   I guess that relationships are just like anything else in life.  The real test of the strength comes in the bad times, the hard times, the times when there’s not agreement on both sides.  And I also guess there are just those issues that are unresolvable.  It had gotten to the point where I had nothing to talk to them about because I didn’t want to bring up Donn (the boy) and he is so much a part of my present and my future that I didn’t really have anything to talk about that doesn’t involve him.

I’m finding it hard to make new friends.  It took me years after moving home from college to make THESE friends and that’s when I had tons of time to cultivate relationships.  Now I’m gone more than half the time and it’s all I can do to maintain the relationships I have with my family and Donn.

But I get so desperately lonely sometimes.  Saturday nights (like tonight) are especially hard.  His friends come over and play games all night.  His friends are great, really, but I’m just not in to RPGs.  I tried one and I guess if we ever finish that one I’ll keep playing it, but I’m just not the D and D type of person.  Where does a 29 year old woman meet other women if not church?  I don’t have kids yet, so I’m not meeting or hanging out with moms… I’m at a loss…

As a result, I chose to step back from blogging for awhile.  If it was simply acting as my conduit to ”cry for help” then it was unnecessary.

Anyway, back to the point.  What’s the point of blogging, What’s MY point of blogging?  I guess I still use it, as all writting, as the most effective way to process my thoughts and feelings.  But now, less as a cry for help from others and more in a “know thyself” kind of way.  So if you’re lurking here  and bored to tears, I appologize.  Maybe one day this might become a place where I expound on the problems of the world, but right now my world isn’t cohesive enough for me to have many opinions beyond my own front door.