Yep, sorry, couldn’t keep the kids out of it…

I’ve been wanting to do a post on Advent, well since Advent started.  So while I’m in DC I’m taking some time to articulate some thoughts…

It’s impossible to fully appreciate and realize how big God is.  Impossible.  We can get closer to that understanding, but I truly think that our ability as finite beings (both in time and space) limits our ability to understand the infinate.  For instance, an infinate being like God knew how the story was to end.  Before it began.  And yet He chose to let that story play out.  (That’s part of what makes reconciling free will and predestination difficult).  He knew that we would need Jesus to rescue us.  And He knew how that would have to happen.  And yet, He kept that story line… He allows us to continue on the trajectories we choose even though they may lead to sucky stops along the way.  Just like a loving Father who knows that some lessons are best learned through experience, God allows us to make the choices and reap the consequences or rewards of those choices.  Even though the choices lead to the need to sacrifice His only Son.  To safe us from those choices.  Wow.

God is not only infinate, but perfect and holy.  Which means that His plan of sticking to the story, even though there are sad stops in the road, really was the best plan.  And it also means that all aspects of the plan were best.  Including the waiting.  And waiting… And waiting.  Really if you think about it, God creates “wait” time in a lof of important things in life:  Wait time before reaping after sowing; gestation periods in pregnancy; years of development before becoming a “grown-up”… It makes me think that there must be spiritual truths present in times of waiting and that the act of waiting, in itself, can be a sacred practice.

And focusing on and rejoicing in that sacredness is a very hard thing to do while in the waiting.

So I am glad that the annual advent period serves as a reminder that periods of waiting can be, in themselves, sacred moments.

And here are some fun articles I’ve read…

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23640-why-advent

http://genvessel.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/advent-thoughts-suzanne/

My faith:  I love Christmas.  I love the whole story of it.  I love how it opens discussions with the people in your life about important issues.  I love that we get to remember Our God is so big and loves us so much that He came to be with us, live life with us, experience what we experience.  It’s amazing.

My work:  Has been CRAZY.  I am officially a commissioned compliance examiner as 12/5/10… the fact that that date is after the exam I started in november is causing some issues, but whatevs  

My life:  Johnna is in the hospital for the 2nd round of chemo.  I go to see the hemo/onc myself tomorrow.  No I don’t know why (my ob/gyn is referring me because of some abnormal blood work done by her office)… I’m sure it’s nothing major, but hopefully we’ll get some answers about why my body doesn’t like holding on to these babies.  *crossing fingers* and praying that’s all it is and that it’s something that can be handled and we can work with it the next time we get preggers…

My gratitude journal

Explodes right now!

1. new challenges in my job.
2. my niece Ciera’s 4th birthday was Saturday.  I’m so thankful for her and how fun she is!
3. johnna had some good days!  And we had a lot of fun together during that time
4. It’s December and Christmas season!  My tree is up, my walls are decorated and I’m almost all done shopping. 
5. On the subject of Christmas, and Ciera:  she does the CUTEST thing… if you sing the verses, she FaLaLaLaLa’s with the best of them!  And then Talor dances while we sing.  I LOVE IT!

We had the Hood Family Thanksgiving yesterday.  Johnna was able to make it through the whole thing, which was awesome.  Yesterday was 2 months since I lost Nadia… it helped having something else to focus on.  But it was really emotional to hold my cousin’s little 6 week old, Olivia.  Below are some pictures.  Thankfully you can’t tell that I was teary the whole time we were laughing and playing with each other. 

Well, we have 3 weeks of no more time off and then Christmas… I have to got to DC for one of those weeks.  Goody.  Traveling in December…  What a fun crap shoot…  I’m very grateful that I get to stay around home except for that, until the first of the year, though.  VERY grateful. 

It’s 9:30 on Sunday night and I’m still feeling quite emotional.  Praying I make it through this week.  Thankfully there’s SHARE on Wednesday and Glynnis on Thursday.  Both of those should be theraputic.  I need a good, cleansing cry to fortify… I wish I knew how to tell people how to help or what I need to help, but I’m not really sure what there is that does help.  Spending time with people to keep my mind off things helps…  Work helps… As do weekends (which I know seems weird that they both help )…  Other than that though?  I don’t know… I just don’t know…

My faith:  I like that it’s time to start listening to Christmas music   And I’m really liking some other songs right now, partiularly Sara Groves’ “It’s Going to Be Alright” and “Always been Faithful” and “Glory” by Selah featuring Nichole Nordeman…

My job:  no news there for today

My life:  I’m watching Star Gate:  Universe… I’m not liking how this season is going… one of the ladies lost a baby… there is a young woman who’s body is being taken over by an alien intity… she is literally loosing her life to it… and now this episode… the mom had a vision that her baby was with some of the crew members they left behind on a planet… that aliens somehow saved her baby and sent the baby there… the crew members just showed up… out of the blue on a space ship… and no one on the main space ship can stand to be around them because they just seem to be “off”… turns out that the aliens reanimated their dead bodies… no real souls… and they are only reanimated for a short time and end up redying the same way they already died.  The mom has a nice moment with the last surviving castaway regarding the fact that he knew he was “off” and that he believes that his soul is with God in a better place.  And if she saw her baby with him and the other castaways then that was where the baby was too… not transplanted by aliens, but in a better place… and the best thing she can do is move on and continue to live her life and be with all the other people who are still alive…

Yeah, I’ve got to stop watching this show.  And I overuse the elipse

My gratitude journal:

• my coworker Sarah… I really enjoy working with her
• Donn… can I add him too many times?
• My appointment last night with Glynnis… it was very helpful

Advent is quickly approaching.  It’s one of Johnna’s favorite seasons.  She likes the anticipation that comes with waiting on Christmas to come, the hope that exists and makes the holiday season one of joy.

I have mixed feelings on the season, and I fully admit I don’t understand all of the nuances of the season.  The Jews of the Old Testement were living with some crappy circumstances and cried out for deliverance, thus they looked forward with anticipation to the day that the prophesised Messiah made his appearance.

I’ve known people living today who eagerly anticipate that Savior’s return.  Something that, up until recently, I’ve not really understood.  But I do now.  I fully understand why someone would want to not be a part of this world of pain and suffering any more, would not want anyone to be in it and why they would just be so ready for Jesus to return and save us all.  But I’m not sure I have any joy in my wish for that… it comes from a place of pure dispair and sadness…

I’ve cried myself to sleep every night this week… and yesterday at work… I am searching for reasons to be joyful and hopeful.  I have poored myself into my work, a job I really enjoy with people I’ve come to truly care about.  A job I get to keep because I finally passed my stupid test.  I have played with my nieces; I have visited with my mom and my sister; I have spent quiet moments with Donn; I have wrapped presents for Christmas and began to prepare for my most favorite time of year.

And none of it has really helped…when I slow down enough to let myself truly feel or be, I feel sad… I am sad…  Last year at this time I was just finding out I was pregnant with Angel Baby… we were joyful in expecting this Christmas to be our first Christmas with our baby… then after we lost him, we got the joy of anticipating a Christmas of expecting and preparing for Nadia’s arrival… only to loose that… and now… now I am so fffffffnnnnn scared that this will be the last holiday season we have with Johnna… and I can’t even remove myself from that fear enough to try to enjoy it or be fully present in it… because distancing myself is the only way I don’t cry all day.

I am ready for this world to be done, Jesus… I’m ready for you to take us all home, make us all whole and end this suffering that we live with…

My faith:  I’m beginning to understand why some people are SO ready for Jesus to return and take us all home.

My work:  I’m liking not stressing about the test any more.  And I really enjoy my job.  It’s like a vacation from my life.

My life:  I’m getting a bit overwhelmed…

My gratitude journal:

• Donn
• Donn
• Donn
• Donn… can I say that enough?  He totally just lets me come home and cry on him and be a blubbering mess.  And during the day he takes care of all the little things that would just pile up and stress me out trying to get them done, like the laundry or the ironing… it allows me to be with my sister or my nieces or studying (pre-tuesday)…

in my defense, yesterday was a VERY long day.

Great news:  I passed my test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Jo also went into the hospital to get her port put in and start chemo… and we’ve been having issues.  She STILL hasn’t been able to actually start the chemo.  And it looks like the talcum powder didn’t work and that the cancerous fluid is building back up again.  Suck…