The things about which I’m thankful this year:

1. Talor Jade
2. Ciera Nikole
3. Donnie
4. Johnna being cancer free
5. My wonderful family
6. My job
7. Making it to another thanksgiving
8. The ability to love and be loved
9. Old friends
10. Endless possibilities

Above you will see two maps of directions from Google Maps.  Today I was in Princeton, IL (see map 1).  Tomorrow I have to be in Wenona (see map 2)… see how they’re about 40 minutes from each other???  See how it would have been more time efficient to stay out in Wenona so I could work there tomorrow?

But see how my STUPID HAND made me need to come back to SPRINGFIELD tonight so I can go to therapy tomorrow morning!  I get back to Springfield at 7:30 and leave for Wenona at 8:15… so see how just over 12 hours apart I have to drive an EXTRA FOUR HOURS all because of this STUPID hand???

@#$^$$#@@#^&*(*(@!@$%&

Stupid hand…

Since I recently found this blog, I thought I’d go through the old challanges and use some as inspiration.  I love the prompt for First Kisses (and fully plan on reading the book mentioned in the prompt!)… I’m going to write some haiku poems about various first kisses, last kisses, and memorable kisses…

heart beating too fast.

can’t get caught being with you;

longest seconds ever

palms warm and sweaty

when you gave me the pop top.

glad it was a french.

more than a thousand

things said in those few seconds.

our lips spoke no words.

first college boyfriend

was far away from your room.

monogamy past.

skin as black as sin

and lips that made me want to.

fell in love that night.

football victory;

sad story about your mom.

finally pulled away.

stream of nameless men

lips held promises of love.

doesn’t live in lips.

a chaste goodnight peck,

when I wanted the real thing.

had to wait five dates.

at last a true kiss

our future bright in your eyes.

Finally Found The One.

In college I had a journal that was only for me to write “I believe” comments in.  I was personally inspired by Savage Garden’s Affirmations, who in turn might have been inspired by Bull Durham… who knows… I thought I’d do some now in my effort to blog more (especially since work has been too busy for me to keep up with NaBloPoMo).

I believe…

• joy is a choice and one that should be chosen daily
• love is the greatest of all emotions
• hope is essential for life
• forgiveness heals you more than it will ever heal the one you forgive
• people will always disappoint you.  it’s not their fault; they’re human.  you do it, too.
• purpose and productivity lead directly to happiness
• everyone has a purpose and the ability to be productive; thus everyone has within them the ability to obtain happiness
• some people will never be happy because they choose not to be
• you don’t have the ability to make other’s choices for them
• my nieces light up my life
• God’s love is big enough for all of us
• all things happen for a reason
• no one is automatically defefinable.  if they are defined, they’ve allowed themselves to be.
• life is short; live it fully
• too much of my life has been wasted watching tv
• i will never be a domestic goddess
• small town illinois does not offer enough hotel options
• it’s good christmas only comes once a year; it keeps it magical
• i will never know everything i believe

Since I missed yesterday, you get two today… Inspired by Mocha Momma (who in turn was inspired by DancingMermaid)…

saying no to:

• compromising myself
• living in the past
• housework
• packing
• self-deprecation
• depression
• sweating the small stuff

saying yes to:

• pursuing dreams
• the CMA awards
• focusing on the future
• making time
• making it work
• love
• joy 

giddy about:

• Talor
• New Moon
• Christmas
• days off work

scared of:

• being inconsequential
• lonliness
• spiders
• falling
• being uninspired
• never having children

deeply inspired by:

• children
• art
• beauty
• Ciera
• Emily

obsessed with:

• Taylor Swift’s albums
• Glee
• Twilight Saga
• shopping
•  babies

in love with:

• Jesus
• Donnie
• babies
• my future

haunted by:

• my childhood
• bad decisions in the past
• family secrets

saved by:

• God’s Grace

and you?

Sorry about that…

Yesterday was an exciting day, however.   Talor Jade Hood was born yesterday evening!  She looks exactly like Ciera did (minus the tubes and blue palor)… She and mom are both healthy, happy and well.  Chass pushed for all of 5 seconds.  The doctor couldn’t even make it into the room before Talor was out… she looked great… nothing like a woman who’d just pushed an 8 lb. (21 inches) baby out of her…

I’ll post pictures as soon as I have them…

I’m starting late for NaBloPoMo… but I’m going to try to finish it out…

Today I’m just going to mention that my niece can make me smile and laugh no matter how bad of a day I’ve had.  And hopefully I’ll have a new little one very soon.  Chassidy’s due date was today… and because of all the complications with Ciera’s birth she goes in tomorrow morning to get her appointment ot induce…

You’re probably going to find a ton more posts inspired by this site.  Since I’ve recently found it, I’m going through the archives.  This week’s prompt talks about interviews. 

Last year my sister found out she had a very aggressive form of stage III cancer: synovial sarcoma.  By the time they accurrately diagnosed the tumor in her right thigh it was large and deep seeded.  In order to save her leg they would need to do as much chemo and radiation PRE-Surgery as they would post surgery.  The location of the tumor combined with heavy duty meds necessary to kill the abomination growing in her made it necessary to have a full time care-giver, so neither she nor my mother were able to work for most of 2008 and 2009.  Because of this it was necessary to have a benefit to try to raise money for simple support such as paying their rent, electricity, transportation to and from doctors appointments and the hospital, food, etc.  While prepping for the benefit we were lucky enough to get some publicity from a local journalist who specializes in human interest pieces. 

What I had thought would be a piece on the strength and hope of my sister and mother ended up being more a piece on the freakish tendancy I have to experience “sympathy pains” whenever my sister (who is also my twin) experiences anything intense or traumatic.  It was quite an interesting interview on a phenomenon I’ve had all my life.

I guess the point of the Sunday Scribblings is to write about the topic and all I’ve really done is give some background and lots of links, but I’m not really sure what more I can say, so, follow the links… there’s lots of writing there (and most of it is mine).

I’ve been reading some great blogs lately and it has got me thinking about why people blog and, more specifically, why I do so. 

And you know what, it’s not that hard for me to answer that.  I started blogging because it’s always been easier for me to express myself through writing than through speaking.  I remember times in actual relationships where what I’ve had to say has been so hard I’ve written it out and made the other person read it rather than speaking.  I’m not so avoidant that I wouldn’t discuss it with them afterwards, but I’ve always been so afraid that I  wouldn’t be able to fully express in spoken words. 

SO I began blogging as a way of reaching out; of helping the people around me really understand what was going on with me and my cry for help.  It worked.  Friends encouraged me to finally examine my inner life and get help for the deep depressive state I was in on both a physical and emotional level.  They were amazing friends and it was in that time when I learned what I thought was true and absolute friendship.  They loved me enough to not stand by and watch me spiral into unhealthy places.  I had never had relationships in my life like that.  I didn’t think that I would ever be able to survive without those friendships.

And in that time of my life I pretty much don’t think I could have.  But I was able to dig out of that hole, much with their help. 

And those friends have never changed.  They still refuse to stand by and watch as I make, what they consider, unhealthy choices.  Unfortunatly, the definition of “unhealthy” is much more subjective now.  Before, it was easy for everyone to be on the same page that spending days in bed and contemplating suicide were “unhealthy.”  Now it’s my choice of a boyfriend and the choices I’m making for our personal love life.  They, of course, feel there’s no subjectivity to “God’s Law.”  Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as secure as they are knowing God’s absolute will, hince the subjectivity. 

When Donn and I moved in together, I was forced to sever those ties.  Everytime we would hang out it would inevitably come around to their “disappointment” (in the form of them being the people who’ve only ever loved me and love me more than anything and they can’t stand to see me living so far from God) in me and me bawling until 3:00 am.  My subjective opinion is that THAT was unhealthy. 

But for the last four years, they were my life.  They were my community, they were my support, they were my everything.  When life in my family was shitty, they were there.  When life at my job(s) was shitty, they were there.  They were constant.   I guess that relationships are just like anything else in life.  The real test of the strength comes in the bad times, the hard times, the times when there’s not agreement on both sides.  And I also guess there are just those issues that are unresolvable.  It had gotten to the point where I had nothing to talk to them about because I didn’t want to bring up Donn (the boy) and he is so much a part of my present and my future that I didn’t really have anything to talk about that doesn’t involve him.

I’m finding it hard to make new friends.  It took me years after moving home from college to make THESE friends and that’s when I had tons of time to cultivate relationships.  Now I’m gone more than half the time and it’s all I can do to maintain the relationships I have with my family and Donn.

But I get so desperately lonely sometimes.  Saturday nights (like tonight) are especially hard.  His friends come over and play games all night.  His friends are great, really, but I’m just not in to RPGs.  I tried one and I guess if we ever finish that one I’ll keep playing it, but I’m just not the D and D type of person.  Where does a 29 year old woman meet other women if not church?  I don’t have kids yet, so I’m not meeting or hanging out with moms… I’m at a loss…

As a result, I chose to step back from blogging for awhile.  If it was simply acting as my conduit to ”cry for help” then it was unnecessary.

Anyway, back to the point.  What’s the point of blogging, What’s MY point of blogging?  I guess I still use it, as all writting, as the most effective way to process my thoughts and feelings.  But now, less as a cry for help from others and more in a “know thyself” kind of way.  So if you’re lurking here  and bored to tears, I appologize.  Maybe one day this might become a place where I expound on the problems of the world, but right now my world isn’t cohesive enough for me to have many opinions beyond my own front door.

About all I’ve had much time to do recently is read and watch TV/movies.  I had surgery on my hand on September 21st… We’ve been fighting scar tissue formation and I’ve still been on heavy narcotics for pain control.  Doing hand exercises every hour keeps my hand in a constant state of, at minimum, uncomfortableness

So, I’ve figured that gives me time to catch up on reading and movie watching.

Today, I read Gone by Michael Grant.  I can’t wait to read the next one.  It’s an interesting look at human nature before adult morality sets in.  Everyone age 15 and over disappears and it’s up to those 14 and younger to look after themselves and those too young to look after themselves.   Of course there’s some mystical mutations going on, but the whole way leadership forms and develops, what happens when you throw in kids with bullying allready being developed in them… it was a great book…

And now I’m watching “Away We Go” with John Krasinski (msp?).  It’s a very interesting look at parenthood.  You have just about every messed-up parents you could probably imagine… and it’s been an interesting look at trying to get pregnant and start a family in your 30’s rather than earlier in life…  It can be slightly offensive, and I’m only half way through it, but if you can get past the language and crazy parents, I’d recommend it…