I’m starting late for NaBloPoMo… but I’m going to try to finish it out…

Today I’m just going to mention that my niece can make me smile and laugh no matter how bad of a day I’ve had.  And hopefully I’ll have a new little one very soon.  Chassidy’s due date was today… and because of all the complications with Ciera’s birth she goes in tomorrow morning to get her appointment ot induce…

You’re probably going to find a ton more posts inspired by this site.  Since I’ve recently found it, I’m going through the archives.  This week’s prompt talks about interviews. 

Last year my sister found out she had a very aggressive form of stage III cancer: synovial sarcoma.  By the time they accurrately diagnosed the tumor in her right thigh it was large and deep seeded.  In order to save her leg they would need to do as much chemo and radiation PRE-Surgery as they would post surgery.  The location of the tumor combined with heavy duty meds necessary to kill the abomination growing in her made it necessary to have a full time care-giver, so neither she nor my mother were able to work for most of 2008 and 2009.  Because of this it was necessary to have a benefit to try to raise money for simple support such as paying their rent, electricity, transportation to and from doctors appointments and the hospital, food, etc.  While prepping for the benefit we were lucky enough to get some publicity from a local journalist who specializes in human interest pieces. 

What I had thought would be a piece on the strength and hope of my sister and mother ended up being more a piece on the freakish tendancy I have to experience “sympathy pains” whenever my sister (who is also my twin) experiences anything intense or traumatic.  It was quite an interesting interview on a phenomenon I’ve had all my life.

I guess the point of the Sunday Scribblings is to write about the topic and all I’ve really done is give some background and lots of links, but I’m not really sure what more I can say, so, follow the links… there’s lots of writing there (and most of it is mine).

I’ve been reading some great blogs lately and it has got me thinking about why people blog and, more specifically, why I do so. 

And you know what, it’s not that hard for me to answer that.  I started blogging because it’s always been easier for me to express myself through writing than through speaking.  I remember times in actual relationships where what I’ve had to say has been so hard I’ve written it out and made the other person read it rather than speaking.  I’m not so avoidant that I wouldn’t discuss it with them afterwards, but I’ve always been so afraid that I  wouldn’t be able to fully express in spoken words. 

SO I began blogging as a way of reaching out; of helping the people around me really understand what was going on with me and my cry for help.  It worked.  Friends encouraged me to finally examine my inner life and get help for the deep depressive state I was in on both a physical and emotional level.  They were amazing friends and it was in that time when I learned what I thought was true and absolute friendship.  They loved me enough to not stand by and watch me spiral into unhealthy places.  I had never had relationships in my life like that.  I didn’t think that I would ever be able to survive without those friendships.

And in that time of my life I pretty much don’t think I could have.  But I was able to dig out of that hole, much with their help. 

And those friends have never changed.  They still refuse to stand by and watch as I make, what they consider, unhealthy choices.  Unfortunatly, the definition of “unhealthy” is much more subjective now.  Before, it was easy for everyone to be on the same page that spending days in bed and contemplating suicide were “unhealthy.”  Now it’s my choice of a boyfriend and the choices I’m making for our personal love life.  They, of course, feel there’s no subjectivity to “God’s Law.”  Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as secure as they are knowing God’s absolute will, hince the subjectivity. 

When Donn and I moved in together, I was forced to sever those ties.  Everytime we would hang out it would inevitably come around to their “disappointment” (in the form of them being the people who’ve only ever loved me and love me more than anything and they can’t stand to see me living so far from God) in me and me bawling until 3:00 am.  My subjective opinion is that THAT was unhealthy. 

But for the last four years, they were my life.  They were my community, they were my support, they were my everything.  When life in my family was shitty, they were there.  When life at my job(s) was shitty, they were there.  They were constant.   I guess that relationships are just like anything else in life.  The real test of the strength comes in the bad times, the hard times, the times when there’s not agreement on both sides.  And I also guess there are just those issues that are unresolvable.  It had gotten to the point where I had nothing to talk to them about because I didn’t want to bring up Donn (the boy) and he is so much a part of my present and my future that I didn’t really have anything to talk about that doesn’t involve him.

I’m finding it hard to make new friends.  It took me years after moving home from college to make THESE friends and that’s when I had tons of time to cultivate relationships.  Now I’m gone more than half the time and it’s all I can do to maintain the relationships I have with my family and Donn.

But I get so desperately lonely sometimes.  Saturday nights (like tonight) are especially hard.  His friends come over and play games all night.  His friends are great, really, but I’m just not in to RPGs.  I tried one and I guess if we ever finish that one I’ll keep playing it, but I’m just not the D and D type of person.  Where does a 29 year old woman meet other women if not church?  I don’t have kids yet, so I’m not meeting or hanging out with moms… I’m at a loss…

As a result, I chose to step back from blogging for awhile.  If it was simply acting as my conduit to ”cry for help” then it was unnecessary.

Anyway, back to the point.  What’s the point of blogging, What’s MY point of blogging?  I guess I still use it, as all writting, as the most effective way to process my thoughts and feelings.  But now, less as a cry for help from others and more in a “know thyself” kind of way.  So if you’re lurking here  and bored to tears, I appologize.  Maybe one day this might become a place where I expound on the problems of the world, but right now my world isn’t cohesive enough for me to have many opinions beyond my own front door.

About all I’ve had much time to do recently is read and watch TV/movies.  I had surgery on my hand on September 21st… We’ve been fighting scar tissue formation and I’ve still been on heavy narcotics for pain control.  Doing hand exercises every hour keeps my hand in a constant state of, at minimum, uncomfortableness

So, I’ve figured that gives me time to catch up on reading and movie watching.

Today, I read Gone by Michael Grant.  I can’t wait to read the next one.  It’s an interesting look at human nature before adult morality sets in.  Everyone age 15 and over disappears and it’s up to those 14 and younger to look after themselves and those too young to look after themselves.   Of course there’s some mystical mutations going on, but the whole way leadership forms and develops, what happens when you throw in kids with bullying allready being developed in them… it was a great book…

And now I’m watching “Away We Go” with John Krasinski (msp?).  It’s a very interesting look at parenthood.  You have just about every messed-up parents you could probably imagine… and it’s been an interesting look at trying to get pregnant and start a family in your 30’s rather than earlier in life…  It can be slightly offensive, and I’m only half way through it, but if you can get past the language and crazy parents, I’d recommend it…

I’ve been a little hesitant to post lately.  There are a lot of things that have been going on in my life for the last year or so and there are a lot of people in my life who haven’t agreed with my decisions.  I feel very alone a lot of the time and I get sad about that.  But I don’t regret any decisions and I’m not bitter about anything that’s happened.  Last year or so in a nutshell:

Summer 2008:  Johnna in an out of hospitals.  Feeling very unsettled.  “Summer boy” who was basically an escape from my real life.

August 2008:  Summer Boy went back to London.  Johnna past her surgery and in the second round of chemo treatments… feeling completely overwhelmed.  Donn and I went on our first date

September-November 2008:  Johnna finishing up Chemo.  Money very tight… Kara only person working in the family… Donnie and I become official… circumstances made it necessary to step down as a leader a church

December 2008:  Fall down stairs at work and no longer have a job

January-March 2009:  Working on fixing my hand; unable to work for most of this time; Donnie gets his own place and I start spending most of my time with him.  Start master’s degree for Secondary Education

April 2009:  Get a job with FDIC; Donnie and I start talking about getting a place together when his lease is up in June

May 2009:  Reach a plateau with my hand; traveling a lot with my job; friends ask me to reconsider living with Donnie

June-July 2009: consider options with my hand; go off ALL medications; move in with Donnie; don’t really talk to any of my friends any more as I didn’t make a choice they agree with

August 2009:  decided to pursue surgery for my hand; figured out that going off the meds has made me gain about 25lbs… working on solution for that… decided to start trying to have a baby…

I’m not sure where I am in all aspects of my life.  I know that I’m working on it.  Donnie and I are communicating well.  God and I are communicating on the big things.  I’m still dealing with trust issues on the little things.  I’m loving my job and I can actually picture my future, which is a first for me.  I can picture myself in this job for the long-term.  I can picture my kids and my family and I can picture Donn and I growing old together.  And I’m not freaked out at all by any of it.  I’m not shying away from responsibility.  I’m not using sleep to escape.  Even though I have days/nights were I feel alone and miss friends, I’m not dibilitated by the feelings, nor do I feel overwhelmed by the sadness… I’m simply accepting that I can control my choices, not anyone elses.  And that I have to make my choices for me.  Not for anyone else.  I feel like I’m finally beginning to run my own life instead of just doing what is expected of me or towing the party line.  And that feels amazing.

Secret Life is back on the air!!! I love this show. It’s corny with not so great acting, however the issues are real. I love that. Tonight Adrienne does her absolute best to keep Grace from having sex for the first time and told her mom and her dad (who is married to someone else) to move in together. I love that everyone is messed up and struggling with the same things. Grace, the uber-Christian, who “feels” like having sex and can try to jutify herself… I love how frank the conversations are…

and I feel kind of like a schlump that I’m having the same kind of issues, but the thing I really like about it is the adults have the same issues… they’re a little different, however just as real and frank…

I really like it

June 8th:  Industry/Macomb

June 9th:  Industry/Macomb

June 10th:  Industry/Springfield

June 11th:  Springfield/Springfield

June 12th:  Springfield/St. Louis Karen’s Party

June 13th:  St. Louis/Home for Weekend

June 14th:  Home for Weekend

June 15th:  Minier/Lincoln

June 16th:  Minier/Lincoln

June 17th:  Minier/Lincoln

June 18th:  Minier/Lincoln

June 19th:  Minier/Springfield

June 20th:  Home for Weekend/Relay for Life

June 21st:  Relay for Life/Springfield

June 22nd:  Minier/Lincoln

June 23rd:  Minier/Lincoln

June 24th:  Minier/Lincoln

June 25th:  Minier/Springfield

June 26th:  Springfield/Move Weekend

June 27th:  Move Weekend

June 28th: Move Weekend

June 29th

June 30th

A wise woman once told me that to hate change was to hate life. I always remember that when life is changing and I’m having a hard time adjusting to that. It’s a bit different with a job where I’m gone a lot from home. And its a bit different making decisions that don’t always line up with what other people in your life expect of you, especially when they’re people you really love and respect. As I write that I realize that it would make sense just to take their advice… lol… yeah, we don’t really always do what makes sense, do we? I respect so much that they have such conviction and strength of character to be who they are and stand strong to their beliefs. I wish…. I was going to say I wish I were that strong, but really, I just wish I had that firm of a foundation of belief. I think that’s where I’m falling short… it’s easy to change points of view or make decisions that seem contrary to a point of view when the foundation’s not that strong.

I don’t know. I love Jesus. I really do, but I do have trouble trusting some times… most times…

So, I’m loving this new job. But it’s got a totally crazy schedule. I had every intention of blogging about cool things going on as I travel, but I can’t talk about my job and I’m wiped by the end of the day, so I either do more work or sleep when I get back to the hotel room.

So I’m going to start with just updating my itinerary

April 13-April 19
Monday: Bloomington (overnight)
Tuesday: Bloomington (overnight)
Wednesday: Bloomington (overnight)
Thursday: Bloomington (overnight)
Friday: Bloomington (home for weekend)
Saturday-Sunday: Home

April 20th-April 26:
Monday: Bloomington (overnight)
Tuesday: Bloomington (home: evening)
Wednesday: Mt. Zion (overnight)
Thursday: Mt. Zion (overnight)
Friday: Mt. Zion (home for the weekend)
Saturday-Sunday: Home

April 27-May 3
Monday: Mt. Zion (home in evening)
Tuesday: Travel to Chicago and telework from Chicago
Wednesday: Chicago
Thursday: Chicago and Travel home
Friday: Springfield Field Office
Saturday-Sunday: Home

May 4-May 10
Monday: Anchor (Bloomington overnight)
Tuesday: Anchor (Bloomington overnight)
Wednesday: Anchor (Bloomington overnight)
Thursday: Princeton (overnight)
Friday: Princeton
Saturday-Sunday: Home for weekend

It’s interesting starting a new job at this point in my life. Generally I get really nervous about learning new things and doing new things, especially when there are such high expectations as they’ve indicated they have for me. Talk about intimidating! But after almost a week and a half, I’m still really confident about this descision. I know what I’m doing, I really do. I was in the field the first time today and fully sure on what to do or where to find the information if I didn’t.

If I look back on it I can’t tell you “That. That’s when I became an adult.” But I do know something for certain. And adult, I am. And I’m confident and secure in that.