upon finishing the Great Divorce

Work today was an okay day. I got to finish The Great Divorce during lunch, and since Bethany uploaded new stuff to the Pod, I got to listen to the fun “Girl” mix and the Easter mix, which was also very fun.

I really enjoyed the great divorce. The last person the author saw before his teacher told him it was a dream was extremely interesting. I think I can realate to the guy on a chain a little too much and I never want to be bogged down by sadness or relying on other’s pity for satisfaction on validity. When she talked about how he would go sulk when he was little expecting his sisters to take pity on him and come to him, I was like… whoa… totally something I did. Something I do less of now, but something I can think of doing at least a couple of times recently. Guess what… things aren’t about me. Yeah, I know, I was pretty amazed by that realization, too 🙂 And the idea that the love we have on earth is really a selfish thing as well. That when we love or recieve love, it’s because we need it, we crave it?? That being IN love is not the being in love that we think of but actually being WITHIN Christ’s love. That’s profound. Our Earthly “being IN love” is still self driven, which I think, is why so many people “fall out of love”. Pure love comes from being within Christ’s love and redifines love because it’s no longer a what can you do for me/what can I do for you type of thing. hum… I’m not sure I agree with EVERYTHING Lewis portrays, but it definately makes me think. It is clearly my own insecurities that drive my need to be loved by others and not just God, and clearly my own insecurities that drive my desire to run away. Or do silly things to get attention. Or be jealous when someone else is getting attention and not me. And that’s just silly.

Random choice for the day: I’m choosing to choose joy. I’m choosing to forgive and forget, as much as possible right now, and work on getting better at it daily. I’m choosing to let go of anger and jealousy, neediness and insecurity. And I realize that’s a choice I’m going to have to keep making over and over. And I pray for the strength and wisdom to do so…

Upon B-Normal

Took a “crazy fun” (as my friend Bethany B. would say) trip this weekend with the Bethanys (who sang a duet just for me :0) ). We didn’t go far, just to Bloomington/Normal, but it was still a blast. Manicures at the spa, fun road trip, Avanti’s (OF COURSE!), the pool, the sauna (ow, ow), the fun girl time in the hotel room talking and watching SNL reruns, talking with the lights out, going to visit a church, Schlotsky’s (msp?? and Springfield, what were you thinking gettin rid of that??), shopping at the mall, Wicked’s Grimmerie at Borders (a bookstore and music in ONE, how much better does it get??), COLD STONE ICE CREAM, and fun debreifing on the way home. I must admit, I’m a bit more than sad that it’s over and it’s back to life as normal, but I wouldn’t have given it up for anything.

upon Sara Groves

I didn’t get to listen to much meaningful music yesterday. I had to actually use my head for some of the stuff I was doing. So I listened to the entire cast recording of Wicked, and shuffuled some on the Pod. In the morning, though I was doing “bubblegum” stuff and I got to listen to a few of Sara Groves’s songs: Here are those observations:

  • When it was Over: “Love wash over a multitude of things” Love despite crap makes us whole “when it was over, we could talk about it”
  • Just Show Up For My Own Life: “There’s so many ways to hide…so many ways not to feel…to deny what’s real” “and I JUST showed up for my life” Profound
  • You are the Sun: “I have no light of my own… I can only shine if I turn my face to you…Without you I’m a cold, dark stone”
  • It’s Going to Be All Right: “It’s going to be alright…I can tell by your eyes you’re not getting any sleep… when some time has pst us and this story can be told…I won’t pretend to know exactly what you’re going through” Quite appropriate for a lot of situations right now, I think.
  • Add to the Beauty: “It comes in healthy community…helping a soul find its worth… I want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story…” we should have had the last couple of songs in a mix for last night
  • Rewirte this Tragedy: I love her lyrics
  • To the Moon: What?????????? I do hope she was trying to make a point by being rediculous.
  • Kingdom Comes: This song is encouraging…
  • Come Thou Fount: Beautiful! Sometimes I don’t like when songs I know get shaken up, however….

Well, for what it’s worth… there you have it

upon womanhood

Sometimes I hate being a woman. Sometimes I hate being a Christian woman in the world today. This post is really for my friend Bethany (the bethany’s I’m sure you’ll figure out which one).

I hate that we feel we need a guy or a guy’s good opinion in order to feel validated. And when we don’t feel we have it, we trivalize that desire within us to have it into a humorous “I don’t care” list of reasons guys suck. I hate this because it’s usually a smoke screen for “reasons we think we suck.” And that JUST SUCKS!!!! The thing is, upon talking about such a subject and examining it recently, the thing is I think it’s a good thing to have that desire, at least somewhat, I think we’re just suppossed to guard when we allow it to manifest itself. I don’t think we should in anyway depend solely on a man (or ANYONE for that matter, even friends, which I struggle with as well, Bethany, and sometimes it sucks just as much as validating yourself with a guy) for validation. We’ll be miserable for life if we do. But I do believe that God probably intends for us to desire the affection and good opinion of our spouse. It’s when we look for it in someone other than our husbands that we end up with problems.

I’m probably not being very coherent right now. I’m just a little heart broken that, at this time of year especially, with V-Day looming so close, girls seem to long for something. And in longing and not obtaining become embittered towards men, which is a disservice to them, and become covertly embittered towards themselves, which is a HUGE disservice to both us and them.

I certainly don’t have this all figured out, Bethany. I can’t tell you how I long for someone, too, or how low my self-esteem can get sometimes, A LOT of the time, as well. But it’s not the right way to be self-deprecating in response. I’m not sure the right thing right now, but smoke screening the problems aren’t going to resolve them. Admiting they’re there and allowing yourself to actually feel the way you feel about it . . . that’s the hard thing . . . but I think that might be where healing lies.

who knows.

upon the Great Divorce and the Crazy Cool I-Pod

I am loving the Great Divorce. I definately don’t think that I agree with all the theology of it (especially as it holds up a purgatory), however, the tidbits we get to see about certain people are definately things we can learn from. There are a couple of places I certainly can see myself erring in.

I’m also loving the I-Pod right now. For those of you reading this right now who don’t know . . . I have an AMAZING friend. (for many reasons). However, the reason du jour . . . she is allowing me to borrow her pod while I’m on a short term temping assignment. And if that’s not amazing enough, she’s such the music person that the thousands (yes, 4 numbers in a sequence) of things she has on it are like having her there with me all day. (which I’m undecided on as to whether that’s all good, but it’s at least mostly good). Anyway. . . I try to keep a running journal of the things I listen to and the notes I have on those things and give it to her, but I thought (per her suggestion as you’ll see in Mr. Chatterbox) I’d jot down some of the cool stuff from some of those observations.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure how interesting today’s entry will be. I listened to the last half of David Crowder’s Collision this morning, which we all know was just to lift my spirits 🙂 I also listened to all the Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack, per Bethany’s suggestion. The music was exteremely fun. Not sure I can see Spear as Teveya (msp???) but I think I’d really enjoy the show. I need to try to see it sometime soon. I also listened to Sarah McLaughlin’s Mirrorball because it brought back fun memories of the Indy trip and I’ve been thinking more and more about the need to get away recently . . .and finally I listened to a very simplistic sermon by, well of course, Mr. Rob Bell (btw bethany- I may need some more Rob Bell material . . .I think I’m out . . . 😦 ). It was on the theology of Breathing. It brought out a couple of scriptures that pointed to the fact that both the Hebrew word (I can’t remember it right now maybe started with an H or an R??) and the Greek word (nooma) are translated into english as BOTH breath and Spirit. I like the implications of that. I practiced some deep from the diaphram breathing after work and that helped calm my spirit (my breath 🙂 he, he, he). Anyways . . . he mentioned that the average human in a relaxed state breaths 16-20 times from his/her chest. However the human being was CREATED to breath 5-10 times from his/her belly when at rest. That’s amazing to me. I’m not sure I’ve ever breathed that slowly or deeply (without passing out from hiberventilation).

So there’s my random thoughts for the day…

upon random road trips

So last night, a couple friends and I decided Springfield is entirely too boring and roadtripped to Champaign-Urbana. It was so terribly fun. We just went to a coffeehouse and then to this fun little bar, however, it was way cooler than podunk Spfld where the bars are too dull, noisy and crowded and nothing but bars are open late. The weather was terrible for driving, however the two girls I went with are both girls with whom I am not TERRIBLY close (one less close than the other) and I really enjoyed the fun get-to-know you time.