Trying to get away from such a long time in between posts

However, I’m not sure I have much to say today… The rest of the weekend DID go very well… Jon was fun in ABF, Luzzader was stinkin’ awesome at church… ( I really like his converstaional style)… I saw Tracey at Panera, took a nice nap and had a fun date with Bethany… yesterday I slept in, bummed around the house until like 3 pm, went and saw a movie with Johnna and then went and saw another movie with her and a group of friends… over all kick butt weekend…

Upon reading a friends blog, however, I did have a comment. Very often I find fun things that I want to copy on my blog, and even considered for a moment copying this one, but then realized I don’t like the idea at all. It was a “say anything” type of thing. You think of 10 people, DON’T name them and then write one thing you wish you could say to them. Here’s my thoughts… if what you want to say is negative or confrontationaly, that’s a cop-out… and if what you want to say is uplifting and encouraging, why would you NOT put their name on it, or just tell it to them… I think that’s one I won’t be copying…

I think that’s it for now… I’m going to go home now 🙂 later

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A Change of Pace

for those who read and worry I may be depressed (no comment)… a happy post to counter the not so happy ones… and so I can remember fun things

Was going to write in my journal, but decided to type instead…

I had a WONDERFUL day… not sure I could have hand picked a better day… started with last night… which I had anticipated being horrible and spent the last hour of work telling myself to stop crying over… but I redirected my energies (which I’ve found is terribly helpful when I’m feeling sad and lonely) into doing something fun for a friend of mine… after watching XMEN III with my sister, bought fun clothes at Old Navy, got stuff to do a fun project for my friend and had fun with fun people playing games… got in late… played at being sneaky (which I’m TERRIBLE at) until 2:30 in the morning… got a few hours of sleep… went to my doctor’s appointment… walked out with CONTACTS, (for the first time in my life)… saw Mulvany girls and thought “I remember when Saturday mornings were mother/daughter time”… called my mom… she didn’t have any plans… and we hung out until 4:45… got some more fun clothes (I think I’m addicted and I WILL be cutting up my credit cards very soon… I say this with a playful attitude, but I’m quite serious)… good mother/daughter time… had dinner with an old/new friend… who is lots of fun… had the Gathering, which I always love (message was particularly good and challenging…hum… will reponder that later)… got to give my friend a birthday hug and present and then got to hang out with her and her husband and their repsective best friends (and subsequently my up and coming NEW roommate… which was a fun decision for the evening!)… all of whom are 4 of my most favorite people in the world…

so seriously… a REALLY high point day… and I wanted to be able to remember that…

I’m going to bed now… I decided to quit while I was ahead and hope for good days tomorrow and onwards 🙂

The Biggest Loser

Yeah, so they’ve started this interoffice compitition this week… and I must say it’s an interesting idea… and one I’ll probably take part in, but not until I get back from Chicago…

Anyway… here’s the jist

“Starting this Friday, May 26 we are going to start a little contest for fun/fitness/health. We are going to start our own Biggest Loser competition. Every Friday, starting this Friday, we will weigh in. It is $5 each week you weigh in. Beginning next Friday (our second weigh in) your total weekly loss will be figured. The person with the highest weekly weight loss will win half of the previous weeks pot. The rest goes into a pot for the end. The person with the highest overall weight loss during the entire competition (running 6 months until 11-24-06) will win the pot. This should be fun and hopefully help some of us get into a more healthly lifestyle.”

I need to get on the “good for you plan” anyway… and as sad as it is… money is a good motivation… besides, I figure I have a pretty good chance of winning in November if I can be serious about it… the majority of the people involved are the girls who are just trying to loose those 10 pounds she doesn’t need to loose anyway… (we all know those girls)… If any of them lost as much weight as I could afford to lose, they’d vanish… which is better odds for me 🙂

there you go… my randomness for the day… I was realizing that I was frustrated by the lack of updates from some people whose blogs I check daily and realized “Hey, Kara, that’s hypocritical, you don’t update either.” So there’s an update ;o)

as a note… I just got interrupted to go meet the board of directors at my job… I never know what to do in those situations… when you’re just told to stand there while someone else talks about you… I feel like a living flip chart or object lesson object… but there you go… Rich asked me if I had prepared a speech… here it was “You just described me as an avid reader… I’m a reader, not a Public Speaker”… then I said goodbye…

there you go

Gratitude

So, if you’ve read my blog for any length of time, or if you go back now and read some of the past posts and archives, you will see that this time hasn’t been the easiest for many people around me, and questions of “why” are everywhere. And upon examining my own life I’ve discovered I don’t like myself too much right now. I don’t like my attitude, I don’t like the stuff going on in my head. I doubt this is news to many, but there you have it in words.

I heard a quote last week about not being able to control your situation, but being able to control your reaction. That’s a common idea, I’m sure you’ve all heard of it, especially as a way of redirecting children from inappropriate behavior to more acceptable responses. And while that’s all well and good, and a disciplinary redirection I have myself used, I’ve thought a bit about all that idea implies. There haven’t been any major life situations in my life recently (comparatively) and yet I find myself reacting strongly against this idea. The principle behind it is good, but aren’t there times when you feel totally out of control, ESPECIALLY of your emotions and reactions? For me at least, I KNOW I feel that way, more often than not recently. And when I try to use the “you can control your reaction” theory it makes me feel even MORE out of control. So I can’t imagine how much someone who HAS been through major life situations and REALLY feels no control would react to being told, “It’s all in your head, you CAN control what you do and how you feel” which seems to be implied by the “control how you respond.” The last thing you want to hear when you’re already feel beyond controling your reactions is that you SHOULD be able to have control, and by not having any you’re somehow doing something wrong or some sort of mental case.

Recently I’ve noticed negative behavioral patterns adversely affecting the relationships I have with others and this disturbs me. I’m sad more often than not and when I AM happy, it generally manifests itself in over-the-top effervescence which quickly drains me. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I’m more self-aware than I’ve ever been in my life, but I still can’t seem to get to the “mind-over-matter” mindset. I can’t get to the complete control over my reactions stage. My natural responses are still dictated by fear, insecurity, and my irrationally dramatic, overanalytic self. And though I realize it, I don’t realize it soon enough to keep the damage (to myself, others, and my realtionships) from occuring. I’ve avioded dealing with any of this stuff for a long time, but I’m tired. I’m tired of sleeping all the time; I’m tired of retreating into myself; I’m tired of being “too much in my head;” I’m tired of constantly fighting away sadness (because more often than not I loose); and I’m tired of my life and thoughts being controlled and dictated by the negative things in my head, my life, my past… Choosing your reaction seems so far away… I cognitively KNOW that my thoughts and reactions are misguided and stupid, but getting to the point where I actually feel that and respond differently? When does it stop being an effort to choose happiness and a good attitute, the exhaustive work that seems to defeat me, and turn into a way of just being? Why is it that I can TELL myself that my negative self-image, fellings, of worthlessness, insecurities and fears are irrational and misguided and yet all those feelings are generally what dictates my emotions, my mood, and the way I relate to others?

I’m not sure I was intending to write so much when I started this. I really just wanted to post some lyrics, but then I started reflecting on them… I wish I could be this way at all times. That’s the goal I strive for…

Gratitude
By Nichole Nordeman

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
‘Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger’s view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between allies and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessd beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace …

But, Jesus, would You please …

To You, who are new

Upon checking recent visitor activity, I have noticed some fun new regular viewers, to whom I would like to say HI! Don’t be shy, I don’t bite. Make a comment or two, or interact in the chatterbox. :o) (I originally wrote Shoutbox, not Chatterbox… oops)

Jennifer Ann? Have you been stopping by?

NOTE

Hey, look at the Personality DNA post… I’ve updated it with a link AND my code, so you can do the Psych You/Psych Me part and it be right, rather than showing Johnna’s results as mine 🙂

Why I’m not a lawyer, a psychologist, a physician….. or buddist monk

I’ve started my new job. And when I walk out of my office I get pitying looks and words of sympathy about how boring my job must be or am I ready to shoot myself yet. And I must admit that I was a bit curious whether I would be before I started. But I’m not. And instead of veiwing myself as abnormal for that, I’m choosing to see it this way: there are jobs that, though they’re necessary, are not going to be liked by too many people. So when someone comes along who can actually tolerate it, that’s a GOOD thing. I currently know nothing about compliance, so everything I’m learning is new and thus, I’m not bored of it. And I love to learn. I don’t know if compliance was on the top of my wish list for learning, but it’s not at the bottom. Most of it I find facinating. Since I’m just doing a “survey” of compliance law right now I have a ton of questions and not too many answers, but that keeps it interesting as well.

I loved teaching, for the time period that I did it. But I was ready to move on from that, at least in the capacity in which I was doing it. And the 8 weeks on the MSR line are going to be quite helpful as background for this compliance job, I’m sure. But the more I’m learning about the laws and regulations the more I’m realizing that this is an important area of what we do here. I can’t say I have a steadfast commitment or am a “company person” to the credit union as of yet, but, in general, if we’re here to provide services for our members, then we owe it to them to remain within the law- I don’t understand how some of the laws and regs have the member’s best at heart yet, but I do know that the general rule is “when in doubt, follow the rule that offers the most protection to the member.” And learning how we can best do that, and implimenting policies, procedures, training, and testing to make sure we’re doing that? That seems important to me. And I know it SHOULDN’T be important to me, but FEELING important is something I’ve longed for in a job.

I’m just realizing this reflection has in no way tied in with the title, but in my head it did 🙂 Having been accussed of spending too much time in my head, let me elucidate… I don’t understand the reasoning behind all the laws, yet, and may never… but that’s not as important to me as figuring out how to best serve the member within the allowed means. Thus, the thought in my head became “it’s a good thing I’m not a lawyer, then…” My interests to not really lie in changing or creating policy. I LIKE learning about law, psychology, music, etc. but having the passion to create it or fix it (or someone)… yeah not really there…

Yeah, not sure that came out very coherently… maybe I’ll just leave some things in my head :o)

G’day t’ ya’ll