random thoughts for the morning

• Yesterday I thought points would be easy… today? I’m hungry, and they’re not as easy as they look…
• My meeting got pushed back to this afternoon, time yet to be decided… I don’t like that…
• I find it oxymoronic that I can simultaneously be grateful for and frustrated with my ability to experience a wide range of emotions.
• I enjoy that I can more freely interact with some of my coworkers now
• You ever been in that place where you just feel anxious and like you’re standing on a precipice? Duh, most people have… but I think I prefer to sit and simmer in complacency and comfortableness… and easily become frustrated when challenged to push out of that… especially when I can’t seem to get back to it because the stupid, nagging thoughts in my head know that I don’t actually want to be complacent or inactive… why is it that the things that seem to offer the most benefit are the hardest things to do?
• My dad called me this morning to ask me why I wasn’t going to go to the fair tonight… I think he might be starting to miss not having to worry about anyone else but himself a little bit… he seemed so wistful when I told him that I didn’t want to go, so I wasn’t going to… he’s like “yeah, I don’t REALLY want to go either… and only playfully begrudged me the ability to act on my wants
• Being gracious is a hard thing to do… and an even harder thing to be
• I am more often than not frustrated with (not grateful for) the fact that the majority of my natural reactions are emotionally driven…
• Sometimes I wonder how well others know me, or how well I know myself… I put up too many walls…
• Which takes me back to my dad… there are so many qualities about him that make me sad for him… like not REALLY wanting to go… but at my core I have most of the same attitudes… yuck…
• well, this was suppossed to be random, but as it’s been an okay morning, I expected it to be a bit more upbeat… I think the hunger is making me entirely too contemplative… I’m going to go find some lunch…

I am adding some now… I had a great weekend, but also had some introspective random thoughts

• I get easily frustrated with people, and the main reason is unreasonable expectations. I cannot POSSIBLY expect people to be able to read my mind, and it’s not fair of me to get mad when people can’t
• communication is a vital part of life…. and not a part that I do particularly well… and I don’t like that…
• no matter how much one might long for a relationship with a guy, there’s something special about the relationship that women have with each other that I think is vital
• I hate how easily I can get crabby, and how I can’t talk myself out of it so easily
• After spending a lot of an entire week by myself, I was trepidatious about the idea of spending more time by myself, but when the opportunity came, I was like “bye, see ya later.” And I could have done it for a lot longer… I need to spend more “good alone” time (as oppossed to “situational alone” time that makes me feel lonely)
• I’m learning that confrontation as oppossed to repression is much healthier. I don’t like the word confrontation, because it seems so defensive or OFFENSIVE, but not shying away from hard conversations or expressing “this is what I see/saw when you do/did this, or this is how I feel/felt when you do/did this” is amazingly less stressful than hiding from it.
• Life doesn’t actually ever get any easier. Problems come and go, changing with the wind… but there are still always problems or issues. The best we can do is learn and grow through them.
• I’m not sure I feel like I’m growing through things right now, and I don’t like that. I need to be more intentional with a lot of things in my life…. my time, my words, my actions, my relationships, my job, my health…
• It’s hard to get what you want if you don’t even KNOW what you want. I have some issues I need to do some research on… WHY do I want certain things, and do I even actually what those things? And have I seriously never thought much on these issues? Yes… I’ve sat back and wanted it to be easy (not to BE easy)… expecting too much again…
• Which brings everything back cyclical… I have a lot of unfair and irrational expectations in lots of areas of my life and I need to really work on getting some reasonable perspective…