Lyric contemplation

 So my friend Bethany made me and a couple of my other girlfriends a mixed CD of the songs that she’s been listening to lately.  Which I always think is awesome.  But in listening to it, I’ve really begun contemplating a couple of the songs on the mix.  I haven’t really come up with much, so this might not be that interesting of a post, but I thought I’d share the lyrics with the blog world.  The first song by Sara Groves has really hit me and I’m not entirely certain why.  I listened to it over and over on repeat today.  All the way to and from my dad’s house in Girard, which was about 70 minutes or so.  I think it hits me a bit harder than some songs do.  It talks about her despondancy and the fact that their might be a loving God… I’m trying to reconcile all that… she’s obviously being contemplative herself… and claims that might be something she was created to be… and maybe that despondancy is simply a pathway to the contemplation and her own reconciliation?  I don’t know.

 The next song I haven’t listened to as much… it caught  me musically before it did lyrically, which is odd for me… usually I’m drawn to songs lyrically first.  I like it musically.  It’s haunting… very haunting… and the lyrics go right a long with it… I need to think on it a bit more… I really can’t really come up with another word besides haunting…

The lyrics are below: 

Maybe There’s a Loving God:  Sara Groves

I’m trying to work things out

I’m trying to comprehend

Am I the chance result

Of some great accident

I hear a rhythm call me

The echo of a grand design

I spend each night in the backyard

Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today

With my new counselor

My mom will cry and say

I don’t know what to do with her

She’s so unresponsive

I just cannot break through

She spends all night in the backyard

Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph

Of my despondency

They want to chart a path

For self-recovery

And want to know what I’m thinking

What motivates my mood

To spend all night in the backyard

Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me

For lying on my back in the middle of a field

Maybe that’s a selfish thought

Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was made this way

To think and to reason and to question and to pray

And I have never prayed a lot

But maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe this was made for me

For lying on my back in the middle of a field

Maybe that’s a selfish thought

Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was mad this way

To think and to reason and to question and to pray

And I have never prayed a lot

But maybe there’s a loving God

And that may be a foolish thought

Or maybe there is a God

And I have never prayed a lot

But maybe there’s a loving God

JARS OF CLAY LYRICS “Oh My God”

Oh my God, look around this place

Your fingers reach around the bone

You set the break and set the tone

Flights of grace, and future falls

In present pain

 All fools say, “Oh my God”

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?

We make it worse when we don’t bleed

There is no cure for our disease

Turn a phrase, and rise again

Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend

Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?

You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief

Weddings, boats and alibis

All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures

Thieves will always say

Lost and found; ailing wanderers

Healers always say

Whores and angels; men with problems

Leavers always say

Broken hearted; separated

Orphans always say

War creators; racial haters

Preachers always say

Distant fathers; fallen warriors

Givers always say

Pilgrim saints; lonely widows

Users always say

Fearful mothers; watchful doubters

Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive

And these days, mercy cuts so deep

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep

While I lay, I dream we’re better,

Scales were gone and faces light

When we wake, we hate our brother

We still move to hurt each other

Sometimes I can close my eyes,

And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,

What makes me so badly bent? We all have a chance to murder

We all feel the need for wonder

We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip,

I wonder what to make of heaven

All the times I thought to reach up

All the times I had to give

Babies underneath their beds

Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,

All the comforts of cathedrals

All the cries of thirsty children –

this is our inheritance

All the rage of watching mothers –

this is our greatest offense

Oh my God

Oh my God

Oh my God

Tired

Alright, so I don’t know if I’m getting sick, or what, but today I was so tired that I came home from work and went straight to bed.  Not such a big thing for me, though I haven’t actually done that in a really long time.  However, what tiped me off that I was really exhausted was the fact that I slept through my roommate’s horn lesson.  She instructs a horn student at our apartment on Thursday afternoons and we don’t exactly have the thickest walls.  I should have been able to hear someone playing the French Horn.  I was REALLY tired.

I’ve been a little sad today and I’m not entirely certain why.  Yesterday I paid off my car, my computer, my Discover Card and significantly reduced the balances on my in store cards.  That was exciting.  Today, however, I’m feeling a little blah.  Maybe it’s the being tired, I don’t know.  I’ve had a hard time feeling very motivated to do much.  I did go an volunteer at ICM tonight.  That was fun.  And woke me up a bit.  It’s hard to be that tired around kids.  They require too much energy and attention. 

And looking back I’ve had a REALLY great week.  All in all it’s been one of the better weeks I’ve had in a long time.  So I’m a little concerned that I’m feeling down.  At least I have an appointment tomorrow. 

I was suppossed to go to Ohio this weekend to see Caedmon’s Call.  I was really looking forward to it, but everyone else cancelled on me, and I don’t really want to drive 16 hours by myself, so that makes me sad.  I hope they come somewhere close on their next tour.

I think that might be it for right now.  I’m hoping Bethany gets back from the store soon so I can see if she wants to watch an episode or two of The Office.  Because I do 😉

Later

Happiness Is

Happiness is… I realize this has been on a couple of people’s blogs recently in a couple of different forms, so I hope I’m tagging correctly…

I’m also not really going to follow the pattern, but the idea of figuring out what happiness is for me is fun…

There’s a song in Scrooge (the Musical) about this subject.  Some of the lines from it include:

Happiness is standing beside me, I can see him, he can see me; Happiness is whatever you want it to be. ~ Obviously she’s excited about a relationship… Well here’s my happiness is list

Happiness is a holiday… I loved having a 3-day weekend this past weekend.

Happiness is a new website… I’m loving finding people and connecting with people now that facebook opened up to the public

Happiness is fun cousins… my cousin wrote some fun stuff on my facebook wall and gave me an officer possition in his facebook group.

Happiness is fun titles… that title is “Duchess Kara My Love, Enchantress of Happiness, Royal Problem Solver” (I like my new name… I think I shall tell everyone that is who I am… Kara My Love…)

Happiness is random times with my roommate… I love our “intentional” time together, but Monday and Tuesday night I got to just spend some “we’re both in the apartment at the same time” time with Bethany and that was fun 🙂

Happiness is spending time with my Jr. High girls… On Monday I spent four hours shopping and doing crafty stuff with my Jr. High girls.  It was a blast!

Happiness is painting… I’ve recently discovered I love to paint!  It’s fun!

Happiness is Netflix… get the movie out of your mailbox… but it back in… get another one when you go back to the mailbox… Genius I tell you, pure genius…

Happiness is a new project at work… I’m probably the only loon who really enjoys creating grammar classes 🙂

Happiness is Birthdays… mine was last week… SEVERAL of my friends and family have birthdays in the next two months… I like giving gifts… that makes this time quite enjoyable for me 🙂

Happiness is shopping on-line… due to a fun gift for my birthday I now have 3 “Friends” DVD’s (The One with all the Birthdays, The One with all the Babies, and The One with all the Weddings) as well as 3 Meg Cabot books being delivered to my mailbox as well… Joy

Happiness is the happiness of those around me… some old friends, and some new friends, have had happy moments lately… that’s fun

upon my 26th Birthday

http://www.radiantmag.com/article.php?id=151

I want to remember these sentiments when I turn 30…

Having just turned 26 I espoused the notion that I wasn’t going to freak out; that I would probably start panicing whe I hit 30…  Well, this article really puts that type of idea into perspective… at least in my head.

I said I wasn’t going to freak out, but I think I have been a little bit… looking back over time and wondering where in the heck it ever went… my lands!

Introspections of dating

So, I’m not entirely certain that I’ve been totally okay with the conversations of the day, however, it’s been the way it is.  We seem to only be talking about dating.  No matter, it’s been the topic, so…

And God-bless the person in the room is totally clueless that I don’t want to hear all about another certain person’s girlfriend…

Anyway… one of my friends as a date tonight, so it’s kind of gotten us all on this topic.  A new guy in the group also isn’t making it very easy.  He’s definatly been flirting with afore mentioned girl… while another girl in the room is definately crushing on him pretty hard right now…

Both boys and girls are totally being blech, however…  I don’t know… afore mentioned girl is offering advice to the guys and soliciting advice and information from the boys…. I’m not really sure where the lines come on talking about such things but when there’s moments of uncomfortableness felt by anyone I’m not so sure.  And since I’m sitting here blogging in the presence of all these people, I’m not entirely sure I’m thinking so clearly about any of this.

Sometimes we are so critical when we are all feeling weird.  And I’m so not good at being confrontational in anyway or speaking any type of truth into anything.

I don’t know.  I’m so confused sometimes when I don’t really have someone to debrief with.  I love the girls that are here right now, but they’re not the most mature peole when it comes to this topic.  And I just don’t feel that it’s terribly appropriate to debrief with guys, so.

urgh!

Pages of unknown

When I created this blog I pulled the title from a Nichole Nordeman song stating:  “We studder and we stammer til you say us; a symphony of chaos ’til you play us; phrases on the pages of unknown, ’til you read us into poetry and prose.”  Well I wanted to write today, but one thing I can’t get around is when I sign-on to the site I always read the URL as “Pages O Fun Known”  I hope that in the future I’ll get to have lots of fun posts to write about that can make that statement true as well 🙂

As I reflect a bit on the Nichole Nordeman song, however, I am struck by the way I free associate with one of my favorite songs from college:  Cheryl Writes “Unknown”  Let me expound on a few of the lyrics for a moment:

Fire and Rain is my favorite song

I say a prayer at 11:11

I could watch old movies all night long

I’m not sure about Hell

But I know there’s a heaven.

Sometimes I feel so alone, it scares me

I talk in my sleep, but there’s noone to hear me

Unknown

I don’t want to be unknown

The little things that make me who I am

I need to share; I need to know

That someone cares

That I write down my dreams

That I love when it rains

I burn candles when I’m alone

More than anything

I don’t want to be unknown

I love Septemeber when leaves turn gold

I get nervous in crowded places

Some day I wanna see San Fancisco

I’m bad with name, but I remember faces

I need more than a kiss

More than a lover

I’m a world that’s just waiting to be discovered

Unknown

I don’t want to be unknown

The little things that make me who I am

I need to share; I need to know

That someone cares

That drink coffee black

That I sing when I drive

That I sleep with the TV on

More than anything

I don’t want to be unknown

More than anything

Noone wants to be unknown

Well, I lied… that’s the whole song… from memory… you can see I liked it quite a bit.  The romantic in me loved the line “I’m a world that’s just waiting to be discovered.”  And I’d be lying if I said I don’t have moments when those sentiments mirror my own.  When my desire for a husband pulls so strongly and I get a little too sappy.

But the fact of the matter is a husband isn’t going to do that for me.  No other person is going to fill that gap and “discover” all the parts of me that make me me.  I think Nichole hits it on the head much better.  I am simply a phrase on the pages of unknown without God.  It is only through Him that I’m written into any story, into any song, into any poem… 

We took a spiritual retreat to Allerton park today.  Though we had a shakey beginning the day turned out amazingly well in opinion.  I felt it wasn’t long enough yet again, and I feel like I was just starting to slow down when it was time to stop slowing down again.  But I also feel more clarity then I had this morning.  I’m not really entirely certain I can solidify it into coherency at the moment, but it was definately worthwhile to take some time out and focus on God… and nothing else.  Sometimes I forget how much God pursues us… and how much God wants us to pursue Him.  I can just imagine Him saying “Kara, I am a world that’s just waiting to be discovered.  I am someone who doesn’t want to be unknown.  Come know me.  Let me know you.”  And yet, it takes every ounce of will power I have to start that process… and I always regrete having to pause once I’ve gotten into it.  In this world of endless distractions, recurring commitments, continuous movement, and unceasing activity I’ve lost that drive, the ambition to go out and pursue a relationship with the one being who most deserves pursuit.  And in the ceasation of my pursuit I’ve forgotten how awesome and amazing the fact that he wants to pursue me!!!!  

My lands, I am such an unworthy pile of dirt!  I spend my time worrying and stressing when I’m not being pursued by a boy or when I’m not being pursued by a friend when I turn my back and ignore the pursuit of my creator, the one who deemed me worthy of that pursuit simply because of His love for me and nothing I could do or say in return!  UNKNOWN?!?!?!?  How can I possibly complain about being unknown when I refuse to let that pursuit in, or pursue Him with any part of me?  How can one be known without knowing one’s self at all?  And how can one know one’s self without knowing one’s creator?

I don’t suffer from being unknown!  I suffer from being unaware, from being uninterested, from being undeserving!  But never from being unloved.  And isn’t that all that song is saying?  “I want someone to love me enough to KNOW me.”

In the sermon by Rob Bell to which we listened today, he mentioned that sometimes we get a bit angry and resentful, saying we “feel far from God” or why doesn’t He feel closer?  Bell pointed out that our God is the God that breathed the very breath of life into us… He breathed in His very OWN SPIRIT!  How much closer do we possibly think he can get?  And for anyone to love me enough to give me the very essence of himself?  To be so everpresent that He knows me more than I know myself?

Oh, how humbled I am, and oh how unworthy do I feel! 

And oh how big my God is!