on not getting dispondant

right now i’m trying to type with only one and a half hands. the middle knuckle of my ring finger on my left hand won’t bend. which is terribly inconvenient for things like s’s or w’s, etc.

i go back to the doctor tomorrow, but i’m worried that there might be some perminant damage. or at least enough damage that my typing speed and abilities are quite dibilitated. there are several opportunites open at express right now, but i have to retake all the computer tests and right now, i can’t do that. i’ve neither been released to do so nor have any actual ability to do so with the left part of my hand…

and doing my dishes or cleaning? yeah, that’s not been fun either… sheesh… i really appreciate more having two good hands…

i do think, however, as long as i can work it out monetarily and logistically, that I think I’m going to go back to get my teaching certificate at UIS. I have an appointment soon to talk about it with an advisor there…

I’m excited about that idea… 🙂

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So, I wrote a long post, but it got lost… so this isn’t going to make any sense :)

I just lost the post I’d been composing for the last 30 minutes! So I guess if you’re reading this you only get the last few thoughts of my 2 am ramblings…

EW recently mentioned that she thought the core root for some recent decisions and choices I’ve been making is the fear of being alone… Johnna’s ordeal has left me feeling vulnerable, not just with her, but with every relationship I have. So I try to cling on as hard as I can to something I think can be totally mine…

most insightful thing I’ve heard in a long time…

and she’s on a different continent.

Current Favorite Song

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren’t enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I’ll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I’ll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I’ll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you’re Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There’s gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there.

For Chris

Just click on the following links and you’ll have your own band, etc.

1. Band Name: Random Wikipeda Link

2. Album Title: Random quote generator (take the last four words from the first quote on the page)

3. Album Art: Flickr Interesting Photo (pick one)

So following those rules, my incredible new album is…
Easiest Person to Fool by Scottish United Presbyterian Mission

The Nothing…

I’ve discovered I’m an all or nothing girl. You may have known this about me, I don’t know, but I did not. I’ve recently come to this realization.

I’m not sure I really like it. If I had my druthers, I think I’d rather be a “pick and choose girl.” I’d rather be able to live in the comfort of the middle, in the ambiguity of oxymoron and in the ampatheatre of “open to interpretation” where responsibilities are few, truth is fluid and based on experience, and everything works in MY timing, the way I want it to work and everything working for me and my benefit.

Pshaw… I’m a selfish one aren’t I…

And it doesn’t ACTUALLY work for me. It makes me miserable. I’m a planner, I’m a dreamer, I’m goal oriented… when I try to live in the middle, not being all in or all out… that’s really where nothing lies… “All or nothing” is a misnomer… It should really be “All in or All out…”

Because the Nothing resides in the middle…

Late Thanksgiving Post

Upon reflecting on my last few months it occurred to me that I have a lot for which to be thankful.

It was a weird holiday, actually, being the first one I’ve ever experienced with a significant other.  It cause a bit of distress initially with Johnna even pulling the “I have cancer!” card, but all in all it turned out fine.  Lu was sick and her kids did thanksgiving with her a different day, so the morning was spent just dad and the kids.  We had lunch around noon and it was amazing.

I then went and had lunch with Donnie’s family.  It was the first time the family sat down and ate a Thanksgiving meal together since their mother died.  I felt great to be included.  It was fun, and Donnie’s sister, Tanya, made us go around and say what we were thankful for.

Which got me to thinking:  I have a lot to be thankful for~

  • my health
  • Johnna’s recovery
  • my “new” family with Dad and Lu’s wedding
  • a job
  • a home
  • Donnie
  • friends and family who love me

Really, what more does a girl need?

Am I the only one who thinks this is a bad idea?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/12/02/airport.security/index.html

Behavioral screening?  Picking up “emotional strain”?  Frankly, if I’m an extremist (which, let’s face it, most terrorists are) I’ve probably been trained to remain calm and preparing for awhile.

BUT if I get a call that my mother’s in the hospital dying and get home right away, I DON’T want security stopping and doing a full-out psychological profile because I seemed “emotionally strained.” 

Sheesh, just long lines and normal stressors can make me emotional in an airport.  The “good guys” will be so busy sorting through the emotional mess of people who live in America these days that terrorists will waltz right onto those planes seemingly “normal!”