Life Catch Up

I’ve been a little hesitant to post lately.  There are a lot of things that have been going on in my life for the last year or so and there are a lot of people in my life who haven’t agreed with my decisions.  I feel very alone a lot of the time and I get sad about that.  But I don’t regret any decisions and I’m not bitter about anything that’s happened.  Last year or so in a nutshell:

Summer 2008:  Johnna in an out of hospitals.  Feeling very unsettled.  “Summer boy” who was basically an escape from my real life.

August 2008:  Summer Boy went back to London.  Johnna past her surgery and in the second round of chemo treatments… feeling completely overwhelmed.  Donn and I went on our first date

September-November 2008:  Johnna finishing up Chemo.  Money very tight… Kara only person working in the family… Donnie and I become official… circumstances made it necessary to step down as a leader a church

December 2008:  Fall down stairs at work and no longer have a job

January-March 2009:  Working on fixing my hand; unable to work for most of this time; Donnie gets his own place and I start spending most of my time with him.  Start master’s degree for Secondary Education

April 2009:  Get a job with FDIC; Donnie and I start talking about getting a place together when his lease is up in June

May 2009:  Reach a plateau with my hand; traveling a lot with my job; friends ask me to reconsider living with Donnie

June-July 2009: consider options with my hand; go off ALL medications; move in with Donnie; don’t really talk to any of my friends any more as I didn’t make a choice they agree with

August 2009:  decided to pursue surgery for my hand; figured out that going off the meds has made me gain about 25lbs… working on solution for that… decided to start trying to have a baby…

 

I’m not sure where I am in all aspects of my life.  I know that I’m working on it.  Donnie and I are communicating well.  God and I are communicating on the big things.  I’m still dealing with trust issues on the little things.  I’m loving my job and I can actually picture my future, which is a first for me.  I can picture myself in this job for the long-term.  I can picture my kids and my family and I can picture Donn and I growing old together.  And I’m not freaked out at all by any of it.  I’m not shying away from responsibility.  I’m not using sleep to escape.  Even though I have days/nights were I feel alone and miss friends, I’m not dibilitated by the feelings, nor do I feel overwhelmed by the sadness… I’m simply accepting that I can control my choices, not anyone elses.  And that I have to make my choices for me.  Not for anyone else.  I feel like I’m finally beginning to run my own life instead of just doing what is expected of me or towing the party line.  And that feels amazing.

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