I’ve been a little hesitant to post lately. There are a lot of things that have been going on in my life for the last year or so and there are a lot of people in my life who haven’t agreed with my decisions. I feel very alone a lot of the time and I get sad about that. But I don’t regret any decisions and I’m not bitter about anything that’s happened. Last year or so in a nutshell:
Summer 2008: Johnna in an out of hospitals. Feeling very unsettled. “Summer boy” who was basically an escape from my real life.
August 2008: Summer Boy went back to London. Johnna past her surgery and in the second round of chemo treatments… feeling completely overwhelmed. Donn and I went on our first date
September-November 2008: Johnna finishing up Chemo. Money very tight… Kara only person working in the family… Donnie and I become official… circumstances made it necessary to step down as a leader a church
December 2008: Fall down stairs at work and no longer have a job
January-March 2009: Working on fixing my hand; unable to work for most of this time; Donnie gets his own place and I start spending most of my time with him. Start master’s degree for Secondary Education
April 2009: Get a job with FDIC; Donnie and I start talking about getting a place together when his lease is up in June
May 2009: Reach a plateau with my hand; traveling a lot with my job; friends ask me to reconsider living with Donnie
June-July 2009: consider options with my hand; go off ALL medications; move in with Donnie; don’t really talk to any of my friends any more as I didn’t make a choice they agree with
August 2009: decided to pursue surgery for my hand; figured out that going off the meds has made me gain about 25lbs… working on solution for that… decided to start trying to have a baby…
I’m not sure where I am in all aspects of my life. I know that I’m working on it. Donnie and I are communicating well. God and I are communicating on the big things. I’m still dealing with trust issues on the little things. I’m loving my job and I can actually picture my future, which is a first for me. I can picture myself in this job for the long-term. I can picture my kids and my family and I can picture Donn and I growing old together. And I’m not freaked out at all by any of it. I’m not shying away from responsibility. I’m not using sleep to escape. Even though I have days/nights were I feel alone and miss friends, I’m not dibilitated by the feelings, nor do I feel overwhelmed by the sadness… I’m simply accepting that I can control my choices, not anyone elses. And that I have to make my choices for me. Not for anyone else. I feel like I’m finally beginning to run my own life instead of just doing what is expected of me or towing the party line. And that feels amazing.