NaBloPoMo

Stampin' Up Dasher Stamp used for these Christmas Cards. Blank inside for your own personal message 🙂

Starts tomorrow!

I’m offering up a prize through www.NaBloPoMo.com… 10 handmade christmas cards and envelopes… I’m hopeful it will help me remember to post every day this month as they sit out on my reading chair’s coffee table 🙂

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Wordless Weekends

One of the things they’re going to allow during NaBloPoMo is to post without words on the weekends, so I’m startin that this weekend:

From Daniel and Chassidy’s Halloween Party…

And I thought Wednesday was hectic

I didn’t even get to post yesterday…

My faith… seems like it’s constantly being tested.  Discussion with coworkers yesterday about what Heaven is like.  Not really ready to think about that yet… but then broght back up at hospital while I was visiting Johnna (one of her friends brought her some books on Heaven because if she were going to visit somewhere, she’d like to read up on it…).  Thus I had the following dream last night:

I was in a hospital that I’d never been before and I was looking all over for Nadia.  I kept getting glimpses of her with someone but she was always where I couldn’t get to her (like on a balcony while I was on the floor, or the stairs, several flights below me).  The person holding her and taking care of her was always being so careless and I was so wanting to get to her.  But then Jo and mom showed up and Jo took Nadia and was being so tender and caring with her and everything was alright.  We all decided it was time to leave the hospital and Jo took Nadia and my mom took the baby carriage with the other baby (I have no idea who this was… just another newborn).  We all began to walk to our next destination.  There were a lot of other people walking with us that I didn’t know, but we were all walking.  Apparently we couldn’t drive wherever we were going.  Johnna had Nadia and was walking ahead of me, mom and the newborn.  I could see in the distance that we were coming to a bridge… a big bridge.  Johnna doesn’t like bridges when we go over them in a car, so I knew she would freak out over having to walk over the bridge.  I point out the bridge to mom and we both try calling out to her to come back.  But by this time she’s gotten so far ahead of us and she can’t hear us because of all the other people.  We start running after her, but I’m faster because I don’t have the carriage.  I get to the river and I can’t see her, but there is a boathouse with a restaurant and the people there tell me the know where she is.  I go into the boathouse to look for her and the people there keep trying to distract me with other things.  I look out the window and see my mom and the newborn cross over the bridge after Johnna but the boathouse people won’t let me alone, trying to distract me by introducing me to new people.  They keep trying to introduce me to men and I keep asking where Donnie is and they keep saying he can’t be here and keep pointing out the other men.  I look around and I’m surrounded by people I don’t know and I’m all alone and I can’t get out to cross the bridge with Johnna, mom and the babies…

I completely understand the dream… I understand the anxiety of being left behind with all the talk about heaven and the ever present fear created because the odds and likliehoods are against us for a good outcome with Johnna.  I understand the presence of Nadia (not the other baby, but I do Nadia).  I even understand the fact that the boathouse people were trying to distract me by introducing me to men as I often try to use relationships with men to cover pain or escape from the reality of my life.  I UNDERSTAND the reason I had the dream with all the stress and anxiety I’ve had on me this week… But nonetheless the dream sucked and I’ve had an extremely hard day trying to get my emotions under control.  I also know God is probably hoping I realize in all this that I need to cling to him and realize that the only guarantees I have are in the fact that he’s always there and always the same, and I so hope I get there, but I’m not right now and this fear is draining me so much.

My work:  Lasted 15 minutes today because that’s all I could handle before the waterworks started.  Thank God for their understanding.  I think it would have been better if I had had to go to a bank and pretend to be okay because I was in a professional setting, but at the office with caring coworkers who understand where I am, I didn’t feel as if I had to be as “on” as I had been the rest of the week.  Thus, my defenses were a bit down and apparently they only needed the tiniest crack for the flood gates to be broken open.  Which brings us to:

My Life:  It is exhausting trying to compartmentalize all the crap in my life in order to do what has to get done.  And I had to do that a lot this week, between having to go back to work and be productive, help Dan with the lawyers stuff, figure out money stuff for my own household and feeling like I need to help the households of my family, Johnna being in the hospital and the one month anniversary of Nadia’s birth/death.  Any one of those things, even any two, maybe even any three… but all of them together?  They had me too anxious to sleep, too keyed up to relax and finally too exhausted to keep everything in its neat little box:  Thus I have had several breakdowns today.

My gratitude journal:

  • Donnie for listening and letting me sob
  • Mom for providing an understanding shoulder to cry on
  • The fact that Johnna gets to come home
  • Getting to spend the day with Jo, regardless of the stress and emotional suckage…

This one’s going to be really short

Because today has been crazy busy and I’m just now getting on the computer at home.

My faith:  I’ve not really had time to focus on my faith today 😦

My work:  Still keeping me busy, which is good.

My life:  Busy day.  Didn’t even have time to focus on the fact that it’s been 1 months since I lost Nadia… work, visiting with Johnna, dinner with Dan to discuss lawyer stuff with him, ice cream with Donn (because I told him I would probably start bawling when I got home to decompress and he said Ice Cream makes everything better.  He knows me so well…)  Anyway, busy day.

My gratitude journal:

  1. getting home before midnight to get some sleep.
  2. johnna on less pain meds.
  3. Chassidy for cooking dinner.
  4. my nieces who always make me smile.
  5. Donnie. period.

“He Will Continue to Rescue Us”

My Faith:  I’m really liking 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 right now.  I think it goes back to the whole idea that “God won’t give us more than we can handle” is the wrong way of expressing how God is with us through trouble.  “…We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it.  In fact, we expected to die.  But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God, who raises the dead.  And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and will rescue us again.  We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us.”  (vs. 8b-10)

My Work:  My first full 8 hour day was great.  I felt productive and managed to not cry for 9 hours straight!  It is hard holding it all together for that long and I cried most of the way home, but it was a good day at work.  I’m trying to keep my mind off the fact that I have to take this test which is making the days go faster I think because it’s hard to do so the days keep flying by!  AHHH :0)

My Life:  No big news in that today.  Still waiting to hear that Jo’s back in her room.  Surgery went well but it took a long time for her to get in there today.  She didn’t go under until this evening even though they’ve been at the hospital waiting since this morning.   On another note, tomorrow will be the 27th.  My first 27th since September 27th… I hope I can keep that out of my mind…

My gratitude journal

  • Fair Lending.  I know that makes me a nerd, but I love working on fair lending at my job…
  • lunch time and dinner time spent with Donn
  • putting together a basket of cardmaking things for Johnna’s benefit was good for my heart
  • Rocky Horror Glee.  Really Glee of any kind will make me smile 🙂
  • More than on gratitude item today!

Back to Work

My faith:  I’ve been reading about Hannah and her prayers to have a baby of her own.  I have a hard time with the old testament sometimes.  I know that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, so I don’t like talking about “the God of the Old Testament” vs. “the God of the New Testament” however, the attributes of God that often get exemplified in stories in the old testament are not my favorite attributes of God.  Yes, Hannah gets Samuel and her other children, but then you get to the part of Hannah’s prayer where God makes some poor and some rich, brings some down while lifting others up, etc. I have some trouble with.  I know that she’s meaning it in context of the Lord punishing the wicked (like he does later to Eli’s sons) however, I have a hard time liking the vengeful, all must be holy attributes of God.  I much prefer the “God is love” attributes that get exemplified in the New Testament, mainly because you can’t have the story of Jesus without that love and it covers everything.  I realize that wrapped up in the same story is that same God who requires all things holy, however I like the attribute shrouded in the love of His son more.  I have a hard time trusting and loving God when I think about him as the God who allowed Satan to take everything away from Job just because he’s God and he could, or even the God who told Eli “to prove that what I have said will come true, I will cause your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, to die on the same day.”  Even if they deserved death.  Even if we ALL deserve death.  It is just easier for me to trust in a God I feel loves me back. 

My work:  I went back to work today.  It was a split up day because I had to take a couple of hours before lunch to go with Johnna to her doctor’s appointment.  But overall, it was a good day.  I didn’t sleep well so I was pretty tired but other than that I was so thankful for the distraction from my life. 

My life:  Lets see:  the big things in my life today were sucky ones:  1.  Johnna is going into the hospital tomorrow.  They’re worried the fluid surrounding her lung is caused by the cancer (and has cancer cells) so she goes in for a chest tube to drain the fluid and put back in medicine to keep it from filling back in.   Apparently, of all the crappy things Jo’s had to go through a chest tube is the worst so she wasn’t really dealing well with it this morning.  She’ll probably be in the rest of this week.  We should hopefully then be able to go to Barnes next week.  In order to do the study here in Springfield she’ll have to be on one of the “approved” meds (which only have a 10-20 percent chance of working) for a month or two before she’d even be eligible to try the new drug.  So frustrating when it only took 3 months for 6 tumors to show up.  6!!!  What the hell!  I am frustrated.  For the #2 of my biggest events of the day please see the other blog.

My gratitude journal:

  1. I am so thankful for my job and coworkers

rough day… only gets one…

Yesterday’s Post combined with todays…

Well, that went well, the every day posting 😉  However, I had every intention of doing it when I got home last night but took an uplanned visit to the ER with Jo, so…  On the upside, I figured out a way to help my sleep issues… PURE EXHAUSTION!

My Faith:  I am absolutely adoring Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  Yesterday I read the chapter “things i don’t do” which is a chapter regarding how Ms. Niequist would say “yes” to everything and it meant she wasn’t giving her best to anything.  That the hard part isn’t about figuring out what you want to do so… the hard part is figuring out what you’re going to sacrifice in order to do the things that are really important to you… Made me consider what is imporatant to me and what I do that takes my time and energy away from those things.

My Work:  No info for that today, as it is Saturday/Sunday… working on a lot of laundry today (Sunday) to get ready to go back to work tomorrow.

My Life:  Had a great day shopping and going to Helen’s for dinner with mom and Johnna.  Not so fun time at midnight in the ER with Jo.  She started getting pains on the left side of her chest now.  We wanted to make sure the large tumor wasn’t affecting her heart and to make sure she didn’t have another PE…

My Graditude Journal:

  • great day with mom and jo
  • no p.e. or heart issues for jo
  • my aunt helen’s love (and her cooking ;))