*post disclaimers: 1— this is kind of a sad post, so if you’re not wanting that, don’t read… 2-I am NOT feeling in any way suicidal… so don’t go there. I am simply, and I think deservedly, sad
Advent is quickly approaching. It’s one of Johnna’s favorite seasons. She likes the anticipation that comes with waiting on Christmas to come, the hope that exists and makes the holiday season one of joy.
I have mixed feelings on the season, and I fully admit I don’t understand all of the nuances of the season. The Jews of the Old Testement were living with some crappy circumstances and cried out for deliverance, thus they looked forward with anticipation to the day that the prophesised Messiah made his appearance.
I’ve known people living today who eagerly anticipate that Savior’s return. Something that, up until recently, I’ve not really understood. But I do now. I fully understand why someone would want to not be a part of this world of pain and suffering any more, would not want anyone to be in it and why they would just be so ready for Jesus to return and save us all. But I’m not sure I have any joy in my wish for that… it comes from a place of pure dispair and sadness…
I’ve cried myself to sleep every night this week… and yesterday at work… I am searching for reasons to be joyful and hopeful. I have poored myself into my work, a job I really enjoy with people I’ve come to truly care about. A job I get to keep because I finally passed my stupid test. I have played with my nieces; I have visited with my mom and my sister; I have spent quiet moments with Donn; I have wrapped presents for Christmas and began to prepare for my most favorite time of year.
And none of it has really helped…when I slow down enough to let myself truly feel or be, I feel sad… I am sad… Last year at this time I was just finding out I was pregnant with Angel Baby… we were joyful in expecting this Christmas to be our first Christmas with our baby… then after we lost him, we got the joy of anticipating a Christmas of expecting and preparing for Nadia’s arrival… only to loose that… and now… now I am so fffffffnnnnn scared that this will be the last holiday season we have with Johnna… and I can’t even remove myself from that fear enough to try to enjoy it or be fully present in it… because distancing myself is the only way I don’t cry all day.
I am ready for this world to be done, Jesus… I’m ready for you to take us all home, make us all whole and end this suffering that we live with…