Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray. ~Byron

I haven’t written in a very long time. For awhile, I was only writing on Nadia’s blog or Johnna’s blog… and then for a long while I didn’t write at all. Anywhere… online or not, which is not really like me at all. But, after my 2010 and my 2011, I spent most of my time just finding the energy to get up every day and plug through life as if things were normal; which of course they weren’t. There were huge, gapping holes in my life and I felt as if I was bleeding out and none could see it happening.

But eventually, you start to realize you keep getting out of bed, so you must still be alive. And you slowly start to realize that you can’t change the past and you have to learn to live with what IS… make that the “new” normal. And no matter how angry you are at God, you begin to see he patiently waited for you to get iut out of your system so He could help you navigate the other side…

A baby, born to parents of pregnancy loss or infant loss, is often called a “rainbow baby.” It symbolizes, much like the rainbow after a storm, a hope; a promise realized. It doesn’t negate the power of the storm that came before it. After all, without the rain, the rainbow couldn’t exist. And we’ve all seen it; the most beautiful and vibrant rainbows are the ones against the darkest grey backgrounds. It’s as if the contrast, when seen so starkly, increases the colors ten-fold; as if to say “look here, at ME, not the storm! Hope remains. No storm lasts forever.”

Similarly, when a mother who’s experienced the loss of her baby or babies, finally gets to bring home and keep a child, there is, I imagine, a joy that is just a bit different than the joy of new new parents who haven’t passed through the storm first. I can’t speak from experience on both sides and I’m not trying to say it’s better, or more; I am in no way trying to negate the bond or feeling of connection a mother who’s not experienced loss has with her child. Because even moms who’ve expereienced loss have experienced it differently; whether because they had an early loss, or a late loss, or an infant loss, or simply “loss” from infertility…

But like the rainbow against the dark storm cloud, there’s a sort of reverence for her life that comes from understanding how very fragile and precious it actually. When you’ve had a loss or are part of the club of women who’ve experienced any sort of difficulty there is a sort of awe that your heart is no longer in agony through its deep longing. And a DEEP seeded thankfulness towards God for allowing your hearts desire to be realized.

And, as hard as it seems to imagine, there can even be a thankfulness for the storm before the rainbow that allowed the vibrant colors to shine their brightest.

God’s timing and faithfulness continue to amaze me. Even when I have been the most ungrateful, angry, resentful child he’s probably ever known, He still continues to provide crystal clear glimpses into his bigger plan, exhibit his mighty provisions, and reveal his steadfast and unfailing grace and love. It was easy to see, even in the midst of the tragedy, that losing Nadia was a kindness in light of the struggle the next nine months with Johnna would bring. And even in the midst of getting over my anger at that pain, he builds bridges pursuing me. Rainbow bridges…we walked out of the hospital with out rainbow in arms exactly one year after walking out without Johnna…

Kate; age 3 weeks

Beautiful Dreamer; Kate 3 weeks old

This song got me through the suck that was 2011… Thankful for my “rainbow” of 2012…

“Blessings”
Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

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