Hi there. I’m going to try to limit the number of pics I put up on a public blog or on facebook (tho those are protected so only friends can see)… BUT shutterfly allows me to keep all my pics in a blog on that site and allows me to keep it private so anyone who views it has to be invited or approved first. You do have to sign up for a shutterfly account< but it’s free and easy. So if you want to follow and I haven’t invited you yet (don’t be offended; I only invited family whose email I had), go to www.katherinejeanhamilton.shutterfly.com and request access If I know you I’ll approve you
Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray. ~Byron
I haven’t written in a very long time. For awhile, I was only writing on Nadia’s blog or Johnna’s blog… and then for a long while I didn’t write at all. Anywhere… online or not, which is not really like me at all. But, after my 2010 and my 2011 I spent most of my time just finding the energy to get up every day and plug through life as if things were normal; which of course they weren’t. But you can’t change the past and you have to learn to live with what IS… make that the “new” normal.
A baby, born to parents of pregnancy loss or infant loss, is often called a “rainbow baby.” It symbolizes, much like the rainbow after a storm, a hope; a promise realized. It doesn’t negate the power of the storm that came before it. After all, without the rain, the rainbow couldn’t exist. And we’ve all seen it; the most beautiful and vibrant rainbows are the ones against the darkest grey backgrounds. It’s as if the contrast, when seen so starkly, increases the colors ten-fold; as if to say “look here, at ME, not the storm! Hope remains. No storm lasts forever.”
Similarly, when a mother who’s experienced the loss of her baby or babies, finally gets to bring home and keep a child, there is, I imagine, a joy that is just a bit different than the joy of new new parents who haven’t passed through the storm first. While I can’t speak from experience on both sides, I’m not trying to say it’s better, or more; I am in no way trying to negate the bond or feeling of connection a mother who’s not experienced loss has with her child. Because even moms who’ve expereienced loss have experienced it differently; whether because they had an early loss, or a late loss, or an infant loss, or simply “loss” from infertility…
But like the rainbow against the dark storm cloud, there’s a sort of reverence for her life that comes from understanding how very fragile and precious it actually is when you’ve had a loss or are part of the club of women who’ve experienced any sort of difficulty. A sort of awe that your heart is no longer in agony through its deep longing. And a DEEP seeded thankfulness towards God for allowing your hearts desire to be realized. And, as hard as it seems, a thankfulness for the storm before the rainbow that allowed the vibrant colors to shine their brightest.
Beautiful Dreamer; Kate 3 weeks old
This song got me through the suck that was 2011… Thankful for my “rainbow” of 2012…
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
I’ve liked having an hour+ drive each way each day the last week or so (except for the snow). It’s given me some good reflection and me and God time… I wish I had more time to write regarding reflections :) So I’ll leave you with a song I’ve been enjoying this week.
God Believes In You lyrics
CD Title: God And Money
Added by Staff
|When you start to doubt if you exist
God believes in you
Confounded by the evidence
God believes in you
When your light burns so dim
When your chances seem so slim
And you swear you don’t believe in Him
God believes in you
When you rise up just to fall again
Everything matters if anything matters at all
When you’re so ashamed that you could die
I told myself I wasn’t going to do this this year, but I’ll probably want to look back on it at some point, so I’m doing yet another thing I don’t really want to do for posterities sake… And I’m going to try REALLY hard to not make them all baby related… but it’s on my mind right now, people. At least I didn’t proliferate this blog with baby lament like I did at Nadia’s Blog…
Wiser? - someways, yes… others, prob. not
Healthier? – someways, yes… others, prob. not
Richer? - someways, yes… others no
Yep, sorry, couldn’t keep the kids out of it…
So I wrote this before Christmas. Don’t know why I didn’t post it, but…
I’ve been wanting to do a post on Advent, well since Advent started. So while I’m in DC I’m taking some time to articulate some thoughts…
It’s impossible to fully appreciate and realize how big God is. Impossible. We can get closer to that understanding, but I truly think that our ability as finite beings (both in time and space) limits our ability to understand the infinate. For instance, an infinate being like God knew how the story was to end. Before it began. And yet He chose to let that story play out. (That’s part of what makes reconciling free will and predestination difficult). He knew that we would need Jesus to rescue us. And He knew how that would have to happen. And yet, He kept that story line… He allows us to continue on the trajectories we choose even though they may lead to sucky stops along the way. Just like a loving Father who knows that some lessons are best learned through experience, God allows us to make the choices and reap the consequences or rewards of those choices. Even though the choices lead to the need to sacrifice His only Son. To safe us from those choices. Wow.
God is not only infinate, but perfect and holy. Which means that His plan of sticking to the story, even though there are sad stops in the road, really was the best plan. And it also means that all aspects of the plan were best. Including the waiting. And waiting… And waiting. Really if you think about it, God creates “wait” time in a lof of important things in life: Wait time before reaping after sowing; gestation periods in pregnancy; years of development before becoming a “grown-up”… It makes me think that there must be spiritual truths present in times of waiting and that the act of waiting, in itself, can be a sacred practice.
And focusing on and rejoicing in that sacredness is a very hard thing to do while in the waiting.
So I am glad that the annual advent period serves as a reminder that periods of waiting can be, in themselves, sacred moments.
And here are some fun articles I’ve read…
Well, I’m glad it’s not NaBloPoMo this month as it’s been EXTREMELY busy. I barely saw Donn this past weekend until late Sunday! Sheesh!
My faith: I love Christmas. I love the whole story of it. I love how it opens discussions with the people in your life about important issues. I love that we get to remember Our God is so big and loves us so much that He came to be with us, live life with us, experience what we experience. It’s amazing.
My work: Has been CRAZY. I am officially a commissioned compliance examiner as 12/5/10… the fact that that date is after the exam I started in november is causing some issues, but whatevs :-)
My life: Johnna is in the hospital for the 2nd round of chemo. I go to see the hemo/onc myself tomorrow. No I don’t know why (my ob/gyn is referring me because of some abnormal blood work done by her office)… I’m sure it’s nothing major, but hopefully we’ll get some answers about why my body doesn’t like holding on to these babies. *crossing fingers* and praying that’s all it is and that it’s something that can be handled and we can work with it the next time we get preggers…
My gratitude journal
Explodes right now!
- new challenges in my job.
- my niece Ciera’s 4th birthday was Saturday. I’m so thankful for her and how fun she is!
- johnna had some good days! And we had a lot of fun together during that time
- It’s December and Christmas season! My tree is up, my walls are decorated and I’m almost all done shopping.
- On the subject of Christmas, and Ciera: she does the CUTEST thing… if you sing the verses, she FaLaLaLaLa’s with the best of them! And then Talor dances while we sing. I LOVE IT!