Time and Reflection

I’ve liked having an hour+ drive each way each day the last week or so (except for the snow).  It’s given me some good reflection and me and God time… I wish I had more time to write regarding reflections   So I’ll leave you with a song I’ve been enjoying this week.

God Believes In You lyrics

CD Title: God And Money

Jill Phillips

Added by Staff

Lyrics:

When you start to doubt if you exist God believes in you Confounded by the evidence God believes in you When your light burns so dim When your chances seem so slim And you swear you don’t believe in Him God believes in you When you rise up just to fall again God believes in you Deserted by your closest friends God believes in you When you’re betrayed with a kiss And you turn your cheek to another fist It doesn’t have to end like this God believes in you Everything matters if anything matters at all Everything matters no matter how big No matter how small God believes in you Oh God believes in you When you’re so ashamed that you could die God believes in you And you can’t do right even though you try God believes in you Blessed are the ones who grieve The ones who mourn and the ones who bleed In sorrow you sow but in joy you’ll reap God believes in you Oh blessed are the ones who grieve The ones who mourn and the ones who bleed In sorrow you sow but in joy you’ll reap God believes in you Oh God believes in you

Tradition

I told myself I wasn’t going to do this this year, but I’ll probably want to look back on it at some point, so I’m doing yet another thing I don’t really want to do for posterities sake…  And I’m going to try REALLY hard to not make them all baby related… but it’s on my mind right now, people.  At least I didn’t proliferate this blog with baby lament like I did at Nadia’s Blog…

What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?  lost a baby

Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  - nope… don’t really do them… I figure if I want to change something, why wait for only once a year 

Did anyone close to you give birth?  Amanda

Did anyone close to you die? seriously, I don’t like some of these questions

What countries did you visit?  none

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?  a baby, not going to happen

What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 25th, September 27th… and July 1st… that was actually a great day spent with Mom and Jo in St. Louis.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Passing my commissioning test!

Did you suffer illness or injury?  Okay, not answering this one either…

What was the best thing you bought? new loveseat…

Whose behavior merited celebration?  ???

Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?  A doctor who will remain nameless…

Where did most of your money go?  rent and other bills

What did you get really, really, really excited about? unfortunately that which I lost, which made the losses suck even more…

What song will always remind you of 2010?    

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Wiser? - someways, yes… others, prob. not
Healthier? – someways, yes… others, prob. not
Richer? - someways, yes… others no

What do you wish you’d done more of? rejoicing in being pregnant

What do you wish you’d done less of?  complained about being pregnant

 How did you spend Christmas?  Christmas Eve at Dad’s house, Christmas with Donnie, mom, jo, dan and chas and the kids

Did you fall in love in 2009?  I fall in love again every day 

What were your favorite TV programs?  - GLEE, office, bones, How I Met your mother…NCIS

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?  - Umm…I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever said I hate, but the one doctor comes close. 

What did you want and get?  

What did you want and not get?  a baby

What was your favorite film of this year?  A-team

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? - I turned 30 in october.  went and got my license renewed in the morning and spent the rest of the day in bed mourning and recovering from giving birth to Nadia

Which celebrity/public figure did you like the most?  Taylor Swift

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?  Professional

What kept you sane?  Donn

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.  life is short… very short

What did you gain this year?  perspective

What did you lose this year?  seriously…

Who was the best new person you met?  SHARE people

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.  Same as last yearYou can’t always get what you want…  You get what you need.

Yep, sorry, couldn’t keep the kids out of it…

Advent

So I wrote this before Christmas.  Don’t know why I didn’t post it, but…

I’ve been wanting to do a post on Advent, well since Advent started.  So while I’m in DC I’m taking some time to articulate some thoughts…

It’s impossible to fully appreciate and realize how big God is.  Impossible.  We can get closer to that understanding, but I truly think that our ability as finite beings (both in time and space) limits our ability to understand the infinate.  For instance, an infinate being like God knew how the story was to end.  Before it began.  And yet He chose to let that story play out.  (That’s part of what makes reconciling free will and predestination difficult).  He knew that we would need Jesus to rescue us.  And He knew how that would have to happen.  And yet, He kept that story line… He allows us to continue on the trajectories we choose even though they may lead to sucky stops along the way.  Just like a loving Father who knows that some lessons are best learned through experience, God allows us to make the choices and reap the consequences or rewards of those choices.  Even though the choices lead to the need to sacrifice His only Son.  To safe us from those choices.  Wow.

God is not only infinate, but perfect and holy.  Which means that His plan of sticking to the story, even though there are sad stops in the road, really was the best plan.  And it also means that all aspects of the plan were best.  Including the waiting.  And waiting… And waiting.  Really if you think about it, God creates “wait” time in a lof of important things in life:  Wait time before reaping after sowing; gestation periods in pregnancy; years of development before becoming a “grown-up”… It makes me think that there must be spiritual truths present in times of waiting and that the act of waiting, in itself, can be a sacred practice.

And focusing on and rejoicing in that sacredness is a very hard thing to do while in the waiting.

So I am glad that the annual advent period serves as a reminder that periods of waiting can be, in themselves, sacred moments.

And here are some fun articles I’ve read…

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23640-why-advent

http://genvessel.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/advent-thoughts-suzanne/

New Blog for Johnna Updates

http://johnnahood.blogspot.com

Busy, Busy Month

Well, I’m glad it’s not NaBloPoMo this month as it’s been EXTREMELY busy.  I barely saw Donn this past weekend until late Sunday!  Sheesh!

My faith:  I love Christmas.  I love the whole story of it.  I love how it opens discussions with the people in your life about important issues.  I love that we get to remember Our God is so big and loves us so much that He came to be with us, live life with us, experience what we experience.  It’s amazing.

My work:  Has been CRAZY.  I am officially a commissioned compliance examiner as 12/5/10… the fact that that date is after the exam I started in november is causing some issues, but whatevs  

My life:  Johnna is in the hospital for the 2nd round of chemo.  I go to see the hemo/onc myself tomorrow.  No I don’t know why (my ob/gyn is referring me because of some abnormal blood work done by her office)… I’m sure it’s nothing major, but hopefully we’ll get some answers about why my body doesn’t like holding on to these babies.  *crossing fingers* and praying that’s all it is and that it’s something that can be handled and we can work with it the next time we get preggers…

My gratitude journal

Explodes right now!

1. new challenges in my job.
2. my niece Ciera’s 4th birthday was Saturday.  I’m so thankful for her and how fun she is!
3. johnna had some good days!  And we had a lot of fun together during that time
4. It’s December and Christmas season!  My tree is up, my walls are decorated and I’m almost all done shopping. 
5. On the subject of Christmas, and Ciera:  she does the CUTEST thing… if you sing the verses, she FaLaLaLaLa’s with the best of them!  And then Talor dances while we sing.  I LOVE IT!

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Thanksgiving Weekend

Well it’s been an emotional 4 days off.  Both good and bad.  Thanksgiving was relaxing, but I ended up getting to Dan’s early so they could start Black Friday shopping.  Seriously, Toys R Us, Black Friday does NOT start at 10 pm on Thursday.  This is getting out of hand.  Thankfully both girls slept, however they both got up right as I was getting ready to go to bed, so I didn’t get sleep from Thursday morning until Saturday at 1:00 am… which made for an emotional (and somewhat cranky) Kara. 

We had the Hood Family Thanksgiving yesterday.  Johnna was able to make it through the whole thing, which was awesome.  Yesterday was 2 months since I lost Nadia… it helped having something else to focus on.  But it was really emotional to hold my cousin’s little 6 week old, Olivia.  Below are some pictures.  Thankfully you can’t tell that I was teary the whole time we were laughing and playing with each other. 

Well, we have 3 weeks of no more time off and then Christmas… I have to got to DC for one of those weeks.  Goody.  Traveling in December…  What a fun crap shoot…  I’m very grateful that I get to stay around home except for that, until the first of the year, though.  VERY grateful. 

It’s 9:30 on Sunday night and I’m still feeling quite emotional.  Praying I make it through this week.  Thankfully there’s SHARE on Wednesday and Glynnis on Thursday.  Both of those should be theraputic.  I need a good, cleansing cry to fortify… I wish I knew how to tell people how to help or what I need to help, but I’m not really sure what there is that does help.  Spending time with people to keep my mind off things helps…  Work helps… As do weekends (which I know seems weird that they both help )…  Other than that though?  I don’t know… I just don’t know…

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Been a bit

I guess since I already blew NaBloPoMo, I figured I wouldn’t stress myself out about posting every day.  And last week was rough for me… really rough…

My faith:  I like that it’s time to start listening to Christmas music   And I’m really liking some other songs right now, partiularly Sara Groves’ “It’s Going to Be Alright” and “Always been Faithful” and “Glory” by Selah featuring Nichole Nordeman…

My job:  no news there for today

My life:  I’m watching Star Gate:  Universe… I’m not liking how this season is going… one of the ladies lost a baby… there is a young woman who’s body is being taken over by an alien intity… she is literally loosing her life to it… and now this episode… the mom had a vision that her baby was with some of the crew members they left behind on a planet… that aliens somehow saved her baby and sent the baby there… the crew members just showed up… out of the blue on a space ship… and no one on the main space ship can stand to be around them because they just seem to be “off”… turns out that the aliens reanimated their dead bodies… no real souls… and they are only reanimated for a short time and end up redying the same way they already died.  The mom has a nice moment with the last surviving castaway regarding the fact that he knew he was “off” and that he believes that his soul is with God in a better place.  And if she saw her baby with him and the other castaways then that was where the baby was too… not transplanted by aliens, but in a better place… and the best thing she can do is move on and continue to live her life and be with all the other people who are still alive…

Yeah, I’ve got to stop watching this show.  And I overuse the elipse

My gratitude journal:

• my coworker Sarah… I really enjoy working with her
• Donn… can I add him too many times?
• My appointment last night with Glynnis… it was very helpful

On Advent

*post disclaimers:  1— this is kind of a sad post, so if you’re not wanting that, don’t read… 2-I am NOT feeling in any way suicidal… so don’t go there.  I am simply, and I think deservedly, sad

Advent is quickly approaching.  It’s one of Johnna’s favorite seasons.  She likes the anticipation that comes with waiting on Christmas to come, the hope that exists and makes the holiday season one of joy.

I have mixed feelings on the season, and I fully admit I don’t understand all of the nuances of the season.  The Jews of the Old Testement were living with some crappy circumstances and cried out for deliverance, thus they looked forward with anticipation to the day that the prophesised Messiah made his appearance.

I’ve known people living today who eagerly anticipate that Savior’s return.  Something that, up until recently, I’ve not really understood.  But I do now.  I fully understand why someone would want to not be a part of this world of pain and suffering any more, would not want anyone to be in it and why they would just be so ready for Jesus to return and save us all.  But I’m not sure I have any joy in my wish for that… it comes from a place of pure dispair and sadness…

I’ve cried myself to sleep every night this week… and yesterday at work… I am searching for reasons to be joyful and hopeful.  I have poored myself into my work, a job I really enjoy with people I’ve come to truly care about.  A job I get to keep because I finally passed my stupid test.  I have played with my nieces; I have visited with my mom and my sister; I have spent quiet moments with Donn; I have wrapped presents for Christmas and began to prepare for my most favorite time of year.

And none of it has really helped…when I slow down enough to let myself truly feel or be, I feel sad… I am sad…  Last year at this time I was just finding out I was pregnant with Angel Baby… we were joyful in expecting this Christmas to be our first Christmas with our baby… then after we lost him, we got the joy of anticipating a Christmas of expecting and preparing for Nadia’s arrival… only to loose that… and now… now I am so fffffffnnnnn scared that this will be the last holiday season we have with Johnna… and I can’t even remove myself from that fear enough to try to enjoy it or be fully present in it… because distancing myself is the only way I don’t cry all day.

I am ready for this world to be done, Jesus… I’m ready for you to take us all home, make us all whole and end this suffering that we live with…

A week before Thanksgiving, 6 before Christmas

Time is flying by.  And my life is full of stress.  And I wish time would the crap would just go away and life could find a few perfect moments and slow down into it…  I haven’t had a day yet this week when I haven’t cried when I got home.  And some good things did happen… it’s just the bad things seem to be so overwhelming.  I’m so tired. 

My faith:  I’m beginning to understand why some people are SO ready for Jesus to return and take us all home.

My work:  I’m liking not stressing about the test any more.  And I really enjoy my job.  It’s like a vacation from my life.

My life:  I’m getting a bit overwhelmed…

My gratitude journal:

• Donn
• Donn
• Donn
• Donn… can I say that enough?  He totally just lets me come home and cry on him and be a blubbering mess.  And during the day he takes care of all the little things that would just pile up and stress me out trying to get them done, like the laundry or the ironing… it allows me to be with my sister or my nieces or studying (pre-tuesday)…

Well I made it a half a month…

Before I missed a day…

in my defense, yesterday was a VERY long day.

Great news:  I passed my test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Jo also went into the hospital to get her port put in and start chemo… and we’ve been having issues.  She STILL hasn’t been able to actually start the chemo.  And it looks like the talcum powder didn’t work and that the cancerous fluid is building back up again.  Suck…

Oh my Gosh, less than 12 hours

Until I take this test… AHHHHH

I’d do my normal my faith, my work, etc… except the last 48 hours have really been nothing but studying, and unless you want me to recite CRA regualtion or Fair Lending rules and laws, which I doubt would interest any of you, I don’t have much to say tonight.  Trying to get a full 8 hours of sleep before the test… so I’ll let you know when I know anything!  Wish me luck!

Wordless Weekends Ciera Edition

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Wordless Weekend: Jo’s Benefit Edition

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Finally Friday?

I would normally be super excited that it’s Friday again but seeing as I’m just going to work on studying this weekend, I’m not nearly as excited about that as I want to be…

My faith:  Today I was totally overwhelmed by the generosity of others.  I love that God uses others to show us how present He is in our lives.

My work:  I am still overwhelmed.  But talking with my friend and coworker Sarah has calmed me down a little bit.  She took the test last year and was able to give me some good advice and some insight into the test that makes me less worried.

My life:  I have GOT to stop shopping for the girls for Christmas.  Last year I said I wasn’t going to spoil Ciera this year because she’d be old enough to remember and expect it.  Additionally, I was pregnant last Christmas and knew there would be more children this time around.  Well, there aren’t.  I think the girls are unknowingly getting the fallout of the fact that I didn’t get my baby this year…  In related years I played with Ciera for an hour tonight.  We put together a 100 piece puzzle (be “we” I mean Ciera as I hate puzzles), read some books, played with her sister, watched part of a movie and played with Barbies.  I need to do that more often.  I love that girl…

My gratitude Journal:

1. My nieces
2. My coworkers, especially Sarah today

Going to just make it under the bell tonight

Because it was a long GREAT night at Johnna’s benefit…

My faith:  Is stregthened by Johnnas…

My work:  I was off today but went in for awhile anyway to study.  I’m so worried about this test.  I’ll get a couple of questions answered that make me feel more confident and then like eight thousand I have no clue about.  There is just SOOOO MUCH information and I don’t know that I can cram it all in time.  AHHHH!

My life:  Was good today.  Johnna’s coworkers threw a trivia night benefit and we were so overwhelmed by the outpooring of support for Johnna.  So amazing.  And everyone was so generous.  SO amazed.

My gratitude journal:

1. Becky, Val, and Alison (and eveyr other HD Smith person involved with organizing Johnna’s event)
2. Chris, Ryan, Beth, Jen, Brian, Andrew, Brandon, Elizabeth, Amanda, Dan, Josh, Josh, Jenna, Tim, and everyone else who came out to support Johnna. 
3. HD Smith for being a great company for their employees…

Talor Jade

Today was my niece Talor’s 1st Birthday

Here are some pictures of the angel

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November is turning out to be a long month

And I’m having a hard time keepign up with NaBloPoMo

My faith:  Seems to be constantly tested…

My work:  I am so rady for this test to be over.  Here was my word of the day:  Discombobulated… I am so tired today.  So tired.  The substantial majority of my body is exhausted… a more than reasonable amount of fatigue is overtaking me… while those descriptors would rate a high rating in CRA, it makes for a very low rated Kara

My life:  Jo will get an MRI of her head and a port (for chemo) put in this week.  Then we’ll start ifosfomide on Monday.  We’ve done this drug before.  It might have helped last time (she was on a combo last time so who knows which actually helped).  But at least we’re starting something.

My gratitude journal:

1. all of my friends who are coming to the trivia night thursday
2. cami hillis for donating a lovely lia sophia necklace

Glad today is over

I wasn’t going to post anything besides to say I’m not posting today, however I recieved a fun package today from Katy Larsen.  I had ordered a remembrance plaque for Nadia and I recieved it today.  Included was a lovely card as well as two prayer box bracelets, one for me and one for Johnna.  It was so sweet and needed today, because other than that today was not amazing.  Barnes appointment.  With entire family.  With four adults in my Taurus.  With small exam rooms, 6 family members and 4 doctors.  St. Louis downtown driving.  Rush Hour traffic.  Recommendation to go back on the chemo meds that she was on before rather than any new ones since none of those have actually shown good results for her particular type of cancer.  Raising of chances they might work from 10-20% to 40-50%, which was the only bright spot of the day.  However, the meds she was on before=5 out of every 21 days of being in the hospital while they put poison through her veins+all the stuff that goes with such chemo +unlikely that she’ll ever be able to go off drugs since they can’t get the tumors out of her and they can’t cure it= Kara having a hard time getting her mind around watching Johnna be sick without guarantees of her getting better…  I’m very frustrated and heartsick tonight…

Time and Timelessness

Sometimes I literally stumble upon things that I really needed to hear right at that very moment.  This is one of those…  Thank You Mikayla’s Mommy, Melissa…

Mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen.  

“Lord, life passes by swiftly.  Events that a few years ago kept me totally preoccupied have now become vague memories; conflicts that a few months ago seemed so crucial in my life now seem futile and hardly worth the energy; inner turmoil that robbed me of my sleep only a few weeks ago has now become a strange emotion of the past; books that filled me with amazement a few days ago, now do not seem as important; thoughts which kept my mind captive only a few hours ago, have now lost their power and have been replaced by others.  Why is is so hard to learn from this insight?  Why am I continuously trapped by a sense of urgency and emergency?  What do I not see that you are eternal, that your kingdom lasts forever, and that for you a thousand years are like one day?  O Lord, let me enter into your presence and there taste the eternal, timeless, everlasting love with which you invite me to let go of my time-bound anxieties, fears, preoccupations, and worries.  All that is timebound will show it’s real meaning when I can look at it from the place where you want me to be, the place of undying love.” 

Wordless Weekends: Nadia Anne Addition