Phrases on the pages of unknown

My first published… anything… is live on the common ties page. 

http://www.commonties.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/eternaltwins2.jpg

Note:  I’m actually pictured on the left, not the right…

A recent article from the Washington Post examined the idea that modern “Internet” or technologically driven writing is killing the sentence, and that without the sentence there will be a breakdown of society at large.

That’s a rather large presumption to make, even from someone who loves written language as many of the commentators referenced in the article obviously do.  Would society break down if the Internet stopped working?  For a time, yes, but we’d adapt.  Would society break down if the financial system we currently use stopped working.  Yes, for quite awhile.  But we’d adapt.

Throughout history, language has evolved, changing and morphing into the languages spoken around the world today.  And, while most modern lanugages include basic sentence structure to convey ideas, there is certainly no uniformity to how a sentence is composed, especially when comparing English to other modern languages.  So would the death of the “sentence” mean a breakdown in societal function?

I think not.  I may not have any idea what the meaning is of all the txt msgng lingo the girls in my Jr. High small group use, but they understand it.  Their “society” is as understanding of the language as I am of understanding that D.H. Lawrence could write a sentence that made sense even though it continued for a whole page.  Modern internet lingo might be “Greek to me,” but then again, Greek is, too.  Did we claim Ebonics was going to cripple society?  Is Pidgin English suffocating the understanding of those who communicate in such a way?  I can’t understand a thing the Pope says during his catechism, but does take away from the meaning of his holy words?  Should we all have a common language and a common way of structuring the things we say?

Communication is one of the most defining attributes of human beings.  While many living things have simplistic and elementary methods of communicating with one another, humans are blessed by the ability to not only communicate needs and instruct others, but to think abstractly and theoretically.  This is most easily done in the context of story, the context of having a beginning and an end, having a subject and that subject doing something.  But it seems naive and very limiting to tell me that it can only be done in the context of the sentence. 

Some of the most profound things I have ever had to contemplate and some of the most beautiful messages I’ve ever witnessed haven’t been expressed using any words at all, let alone using complete sentences.

• the all-encompassing gaze of a lover
• the trust implied by the confident laugh of a child
• the smallness of myself as I stand before the vastness of the ocean
• An American Flag at half-mast
• the dancer worshipping before her God without any music surrounding her at all
• the artist who captures the pain and anguish of a time using 3 basic colors

There can be more power in what is never said, than in all the sentences you ever say.

I love words.  I’m a lover of all things that communicate, whether communicating to instruct or inform, to engage emotion or to express emotion, to simply tell or story, or to tell a simple story to illuminate complex truth.  And I recognize the ease of the modern sentence structure in conveying what I want to convey to those to whom I wish to convey it. 

But I’m adaptable.  If you tell me that one day “Jane + Mcl xoxo :-O” will be the acceptable way to express your amazement that Jane and Michael are now a couple, then I’ll start brushing up on my txt msgng and my emoticons.

A very wise person once told me that to hate change was to hate life.  I love life.  Bring it on.

I’ll update this later with even more information, however, I submitted an entry and picture for the Common Ties website (see my side bar) and it was accepted!  :-)  My first submission and my first publication.  Beginner’s luck I know, but…

My mom’s still holding it in.  I gave her a card and she held me and cried… but just a little… very repressive… maybe I should have held off on the card.  I hadn’t thought about how it might make her feel.  I’ve definately still got a lot of selfishness in me.

Last night was Karianna and my Jr. High Fuel group’s final night for the year.  It was really fun.  Several of the ladies from my Thursday night small group where able to come, too.  We had pizza, bowled and then played Scene It.  It was a great night.  I even introduced “paper telephone” to the jr. high girls, but it got really inappropriate really fast, so we had to stop.  Sometimes these girls really amaze me!

This week shouldn’t be as busy on a schedule for me, but the garage sale is on Saturday, so I have to really work on packing things up this week.  We’ll be able to start moving things in 2 weeks, so I figure it’s not really going to be too early to pack up anything.  Just going to mean that the house is going to be full of boxes.  Dang moving transitions.

I guess that’s all that’s new.  I’m tired today and haven’t had time to take a nap.  I’m babysitting Jo while my mom and Gary grocery shop.  She’s napping, though, so that’s good.  She’s being stubborn.  Doesn’t want this to affect her “normal” life so she isn’t letting herself sleep nearly as much as she should.  She’s already tired of feeling sick.  I don’t blame her.  I would be too.  I’m trying to have a “buck up” attitude, at least a little though, because if I don’t have that bit of distance from the actuality that is her life I would be a mess all the time…

internally I feel like a mess all the time anyway…

I’m finally begining to work on some “fun” writing, not just commissioned writing.  I’ve found several contests that I want to enter this summer.  Be sure to watch my “notes for future writings page” if you have any interest in seeing the things I’m working on.  Please remember they’re just notes or rough drafts.  I put my actual writing on the “articles/newsletters I’ve written or edited” page…

Hello friends.  It’s been a long weekend.  We moved a TON of stuff out of Bethany and my apartment yesterday… it’s much barer in here… but I did get the papazan and a loveseat from my dad today, so at least there are a few places to sit in the living room.  But for the next month this will be an apartment in transition, I’m sure.

I had dinner with my friends Rhonda and Sarah and Sarah’s daughter, Cambria, last night.  I taught at the Puppy with Sarah and Rhonda and they both live in Waverly.  It was fun catching up with them and hearing about what’s going on at the puppy and in Waverly (where I went to Jr. High and High School).  We talked for three hours.

Which reminds me… on Friday night I didn’t get much sleep.  Just having problems again, but also because I was getting stuff ready for the move and I didn’t get home until after 11:00… my future roommate, Beth, and I had a very long dinner.  It was fun and it was so great to share some of my life with her and for her to share with me.  Though we’ve been friends for a little while now, we’re defianately still in the “getting to know you stage” and that can be really fun.

Today I didn’t do much.  I missed church because I didn’t sleep well last night either.  Jo went to the ER last night too.  Busy night.  This afternoon I hung out with Elizabeth.  I love how we’re the type of friends that can just be with each other.  Most of the time she was just on the computer and I was working on some writing projects, and it was nice not having to entertain each other and just having the “with” factor.  Don’t get me wrong, there are PLENTY of times where we can’t shut up when we’re talking, but I love that our relationship is so multi-deminsional that we can talk or not talk and it’s great…  I’m really going to miss her this summer… a lot…

On a final note, I thought I’d share a few pictures of me and Jo that are some of my absolute favorite.  The middle one is from July of 1984 and the others are from July of 1983.  Have fun guessing… though I may or may not be able to tell you the right answer

Well, I’ve been super busy since coming home from Colorado so I haven’t had much time to write.  I have a busy week the rest of the week at work, but not so much in the evenings… I may go visit with some friends in Chicago this weekend, we’ll see… but other than that… and small group on Thursday, my evenings (starting tonight) are pretty much my own right now. 

Barnes and Noble remains ever fun.  I really do love working there… If they paid more than minimum wage I might have even considered doing that as a career, although it’s not nearly as challenging as my job at ISPFCU is, and I do like having a challenging job…

On a totally different note, I keep getting creeped out as I write this.  I killed a rather large spidar (spider??) earlier tonight in the basement when I was doing laundry and know I keep thinking I’m seeing things move out of the corner of my eye!  Yikes…

In other news… I’m moving at the end of the month.  Hopefully to Monroe Gardens on Dirken.  We turned in our applications today so now we need to be approved and then they need to have space for us.  We’re also looking at possibly buying a livingroom set (if the lady from Chambana would ever call me back).  I’m not sure why she ONLY wants $150 for the set, but that’s better than anything we’ve come across so far…

Let’s see… I had a pretty rough day on Sunday… I think I keep things entirely too bottled up… I had a really hard time hearing that God is a Soverign God and knows best and has everything under control… I also was entirely too antsy to sit through church… I left towards the end of the sermon… But Beth, bless her, gout me out of my stupor later that day… she and Bethany and the Joshes and I ended up watching The Ghost and Mr. Chicken later that night and that was super fun…

other than that, my life has been pretty boring.  I don’t even have any fun andecdotes or articles to share with you as I’ve not had time to be surfing the net (for anything of any substance or interest to anyone but me… (I’m sure no one really cares about Bank Bribery Act or Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act)…  I did get a couple of magazines for writers that I’ve been eating up.  I’ll share some information if I find any of interest

Until later…

While I’ve been here in Denver I’ve been able to use Michele or Meghan’s laptop… I totally forgot how much I love the portability of the laptop and I’m totally getting spoiled by the fact that it works so fast.  I am very grateful to have any type of computer, really, but I do wish I had a laptop or at least a desk top with more than 120mb of memory…

On a totally different note, today was fun.  We didn’t end up going to Colorado Springs because of gas prices or Boulder because of the date.  It took us forever to get going this morning… Meghan spend like 3 hours in front of the mirror… it was amazing.  We went to this fun little mountain town and went through a couple of antiquish shops and had some icecream.  Then we went and watched Brian learn how to kayak (msp?) in Golden.  It wasn’t even close to what Meghan wanted to do with her day and she was a bit of a punk most of the day.  But I had a blast. 

I’ve also managed to beat a few songs on guitar hero.  Even one on medium not easy!  I feel very accomplished.

Tomorrow will be our first full day without the kids… we’ll see how it goes.  I know I’m not going to want to go back to work on Wednesday, or come home on Tuesday… so far the only bad thing I’ve discovered about out here are the rattlesnakes.  The mountains are georgeous, the river today was beautiful, the people are fun, you can get just about anywhere you’d ever want to go in 30 minutes or less, and there’s no humidity.

Oh, Colorado.

“When you forgive, you love.  When you love, you let God’s light shine in your life.”—Into the Wild

Pretty certain I don’t really like this movie all too much.  Brian is telling us bits and pieces about the book as well, and it doesn’t sound much better.  I’m not sure what he did was really okay or worthy of being too remembered.  I like the anti-materialism aspect, but the idea that human relationships just weren’t important enough to keep him from being silly? 

Happiness is only real when shared… something he’s writing in a book towards the end of the movie.  I think he’s finally realized it too…

I don’t know.  I think the non-materialistic, etc. kind of thing made him feel unselfish, but I think the life he lived might have been the most selfish life I’ve ever witnessed.  He makes a comment right before the man who wanted to become his adopted grandfather (who became an alcoholic again after learning of Chris’ death) made the forgiveness quote about how human relationships are not the only way to see God in this world.  And while that is true, I think Chris missed the real truth in that statement:  that we DO see God in relationships.

When we started this movie, Brian warned me that Chris died but that he died doing what he wanted in the way he wanted… that’s a 15 year old boy for you… I don’t think Chris ever had any intention of dying in Alaska. 

Brian and I have decided that we’ll have to agree to disagree…  He thinks Chris is really cool and doesn’t see how Chris is selfish or why rules are good things or why some of the Chris did were really disrespectful.  He’s a very interesting boy.  We don’t agree on a lot, but he can really debate with you…  He’s going to be a great man when he grows up I think, if we can weed out this really selfish aspect of him…

I really wish I could move to Colordo.  Of course I’m not going to with the way things are right now with Jo, but I’m telling you I could so move here in a heart beat.  It’s gorgeous.  I have to keep making a list of things I love about Springfield, including:

1. West Side
2. Jo, Mom, Dad and the rest of the family
3. Ciera
4. Friends

All great things…

But CO has Michele and the kids as well as a great view, EVERYTHING you could ever want for health and entertainment within a miles, great weather, etc.

It’s been a wonderful place to visit

I wish I had pictures to add, but I brought Jo’s extra phone charger, not the charger to the camera :(  We’ll try to buy a disposable one tomorrow before we go to Colorado Springs and Boulder.

I’m pretty sure that God works in mysterious ways, but really really amazes me is the obvious ways He works.  At least obvious if you take the time to open your eyes.

My family is getting ready to enter a “winter,” more particularly my twin sister.  We are all pretty sad and worried, and “leaking” alot (my sister calls it liquid prayer).

But what’s amazing me is that we can really and truly see God working in this winter.  We can see how God’s been preparing our hearts, and in particular Jo’s heart. 

Case and Points:

• A few months ago she was either pretty ambivilent towards God (as a defence mechanism) or angry.  There was definately some reconciliation that needed to take place and God has been really working on her heart to spur on that reconciliation between Him and her.  If we had gotten the correct diagnosis earlier, who knows how Jo’s relationship with God would be right now.
• Jo’s short term disability did not kick in until April 1st… if we had gotten the correct diagnosis earlier, she wouldn’t be able to draw her disability.
• My mom got laid off at the end of February… and has been unable to obtain employement since then.  Her unemployment just got approved however, and she’s been able to be available for Jo’s appointments and as a nursemaid.
• Our church is doing a series right now entitled Recycled: Beyond Broken.  SOOOO applicable
• The last Grow we did… and the first one Jo ever went to… talked about the seasons of our lives and the possitive things that can come out of our “winters.”  How cool is that?

It’s going to be a difficult next few months.  But I’m looking forward to seeing God triumph in the midst of tragedy (and He can do that regardless of outcomes) and I’m looking forward to this time of growth for my family.

Well, I missed last week b/c I was home sick and in bed most of the day Thursday and Friday… dang it…

I’ve also been pretty busy, so I haven’t had a ton of time to carouse around getting my fill of culturally relevant news articles.

Bit #1:

I did read an interesting article that was linked in my YS Update this week entitled Students of Virginity.  It talks about Abstinence clubs on college campuses.  What I found most interesting was the fact that a lot of these “clubs” are steering away from any religious reasons for abstinance and focusing on the factors that make waiting for marriage a smart choice regardless of ones religion (i.e. less disease, less baggage, better sex in marriage).  I also liked the take of the main woman of the article, that abstinence isn’t snubbing one’s nose at feminism.  It’s really embracing the feministic ideal that women can do and be anything… even if that means choosing to wait to have sex.

Bit #2

I don’t really have another Bit for this week, though I do have a stack of articles sitting waiting for me to read (I’ll probably take them to B&N this weekend for down time reading).  If you want to know what I’ll be reading here are links:

Notes about Revelations from Dr. Lowery of LCCS

(I’ll also be reading an article about DeBunking the DiVinci Code by Dr. Lowery, but I don’t have a link for that)

Articles written about Atonement from Marco’s blog

Going from Good to Great in Youth Ministery from www.pdymblog.com

and all the Youth Ministry 3.0 excerpts from Marco (I’ve been printing them out so I can actually have time to think… so if I DO have a comment, it’s not a stupid one…)

I’m hoping that I’ll have some time to catch up on my reading and writing on Vacation in Denver next week…

Pieces for the week:

Piece #1

I’m going on Vacation to Denver… I cannot, cannot, CANNOT wait

Piece #2

After a 3 month hiatus, I start back up at Barnes and Noble again tonight… I really like it there, so I’m excited… I just hope they realize I’m going to need a refresher

Today I had lunch with Chris and Latif to discuss summer plans for West Side’s Jr. High Ministry.  In passing, CHris mentioned that he’d like to discuss what drew Latif and I to Jr. High Ministry.  My easy, first-come-to-mind-answer is always “VBS” (I’ll get to that in a minute).  As I contemplate that a little more, I think it’s probably deeper than that (most things are with contemplation).

When I first started volunteering with anything at West Side it was in the Children’t Ministry.  Erin, the Children’s Minister at the time, was one of the only people I knew, and at that time I was working as a pre-school teacher and had realized I really like kids and can relate to them.  I had done VBS the year before (with 1st graders) as a way to connect with Sarah Jumber (now Admire)(a friend and co-worker of mine from the Puppy who had just gotten baptized that summer).  It was something we could do together that was God-related and kid-related, a place where we could connect on multiple levels.

So that next year (2004 I think it was) we decided to do so again.  She was going to a small country church with her family, but it was doing the same VBS curriculum as West Side, only the week after.  We decided to do both VBSs (THAT was a crazy 2 weeks, let me tell you ).  That year West Side needed help with the 5th graders.  I generally prefer (or so I had thought) to work with younger kids, but I’m also pretty laid back and like to help out where I’m needed, so we took the 5th graders.

And, boy, were they a challenge.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as frustrated with kids (or had as much fun) as I was/did with Evan and Shane that week!

But amazingly, I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love with a group of kids as quickly either (and this coming from someone who really does enjoy being with kids).  While they were challenging, they were also soooo much fun!  And I could see so much potential in them.  They were right there on the verge of something and it was so fun to be there with them.  So I went to Chris to find out how I could continue to be a part of their lives at West Side when they moved to 6th grade.

That could be where the story stops… I followed a great group of kids into the ministry.

But I realized today that those kids are almost done with their freshman year of high school! (and are still some really great kids).  But I didn’t follow them to High School… So it had to be more than just that group of kids.

So why do I STILL do Jr. High ministry?

My mom says it’s because you should never say never… when I was contemplating teaching as a career I always knew I could handle any age… any age, that is, except Jr. High.  I could NEVER handle Jr. High kids… and now look at me :)  maybe she’s right

But I think it probably has more to do with the fact that I remember being in Jr. High (yes it might have been awhile ago, but not THAT long ago).  I remember how lost and alone I felt and how much I would have loved having adults who weren’t my parents to hang out with, to accept me for who I was and to offer guidance and… presence… in a loving way.  I remember feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere, that I was in some kind of “lost” stage or “limbo” between childhood and being a young adult.

And I remember tht you probably would have NEVER known that about me.  I was friendly and outgoing.  I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t the least popular kid in school.  I could meld well in several different social groups; I as totally boy-crazy and had several boyfriends; I got along well with teachers and, though I was only a C-student in Jr. High, was smart enough to get by without notice.

I didn’t have anyone close enough to me or willing enough to delve behind the mask, to see the girl who wrote morbid, dark poetry; who cried herself to sleep most nights; who was boy-crazy because she wanted the attention, not that she really liked the guy; who spent hours upon hours in her head making up a different life for herself to take herself away from actual life.

And that’s sad.

Most of the time Jr. High Ministry is a high energy, high fun, oft-times silly and/or gross experiment in living life.  But underneath that energy and the silliness and the craziness that is an adolescent; I know and understand the feeling of being in “limbo” or “lost” stage of life.  And I know that those same feelings can occur in any life stage, but I know that if I had a better view of myself, a better view of my value as a child of God (heck, knowing Jesus AT ALL would have helped), and a feeling that I was not alone when I was younger, the times as an adult when I feel like that would be fewer and further between.

I wouldn’t say my giftedness lies in being able to counsel anyone through that (far from it, it’s one of the biggest reasons I know that I couldn’t have pursued a psych. degree).  But I LOVE being present and available.  And I really love investing in others to help them learn to be present and available (yay for being able to invest a little bit more in other leaders as well as kids this year).

So I continue to do Jr. High ministry because I want them to know that God cares about them, and by extension, so do other people.  I want to be present and available.  Whther that be as a person to giggle about boys with, the person to referee a dodgeball game, the person to throw toilet paper at, or the person to talk to because things aren’t going great right now.  Because sometimes there just aren’t answers.  Most of the time life just happnes, and sometimes you just need someone there to help you know that you’re not alone, that you’re loved and valued for who you are, raging hormones, pungent BO, rebellious independece, goofy silliness and lingering childhood innocence included.

Well, I’ve finally been able to free up some RAM on my computer that my dad gave me and I signed up for Xanadoo today… I should be able to keep up with posting a little more often now

My 16-month-old niece is learning to talk and to walk.  She already says several words and FINALLY actually likes to practice walking around… now if we can only get her to do it on her own.

Sad story, though… She’s learned to say two new things in the past couple of weeks:

1.  Johnna (my twin sister’s name).  I think we confuse her b/c she won’t say Kara… she continually calls me Johnna… i know she sees Jo more than she sees me… but still makes me a little sad… I’m trying to keep it in perspective… she is ONLY 1…

Well, I missed last Friday’s Bits and Pieces post.  Sorry folks… it was a hectic week last week.

Bit #1

I know this is not fun or lighthearted (or interesting to anyone but me), but I think my job is going to get more difficult in the upcoming months and/or years…

Bit #2

Odor Tyrants… reminds me of Chris’ blog here… (what I really like about this article is the caption for the picture (Some allergic to scent are declaring war against odor. One Massachusetts woman filed a lawsuit last year after having an allergic woman to a coworker’s perfume.)  I wonder how you have an “alergic woman” to someone or something…

And our only Piece this week:

We’ve started a new series at West Side entitled “Recycled: Beyond Broken.”  I’m very excited about it.  Yesterday’s sermon was amazingly in line with some of the “themes” of my life right now. 

(Side note:  6 young adults made decisions to join the church–2 through baptism :)  )

West Side has started a blog to record stories of being recycled… it’s pretty cool, you should check it out.

I’ve decided to start a new Friday post:  Bits and Pieces… little tidbits of things that I’ve been contemplating through the week or that have caught my attention.  I hope you find them at least quasi-interesting. 

Bit #1 

I’ve become a news-junkie.  Not such a great thing when you are quite aware that journalism in this country is wrought with bias and politically and socially manipulative undertones.  Nonetheless, I check CNN on a daily basis.

And one thing I always enjoy reading is commentaries by Glenn Beck.  I don’t always agree with him.  I wouldn’t even hazard to say that the majority of the time I agree with him… but sometimes I do.  And I always enjoy reading what he has to say.  His straight-forward, tell-it-like-it-is commentary, usually showing hints or all out in-your-face sarcasm and dry wit almost always make me think.  If you haven’t ever read anything by him, try this out. 

(In other political news, here’s additional commmentary about the detriment Clinton and Obama are being for the Democratic Party… he, appropriately on the eve of St. Patrick’s day weekend,  uses a “Two Irish cats from Kilkenny” metaphor.  Seriously, I like him already.)

Bit #2

I know that we live in a messed up society when courts have to rule on the legality of incest, junk-food diets are the craze, and when people who have moved to the U.S. from overseas when they’re in their late teens or early twenties state that they can receive more information about sex in an hour of american television than in all the years of their life,

Piece #1 

We’re down to the Sweet 16 in Lost Madness… I’m not liking that Sawyer and Kate and Jack and Sayid are pitted against each other… There are some match ups that are just looking “duh” to me on who’s going to win.  But there are some that are really close…  I’m not sure I realized when I first saw this fun game that it was really just a popularity contest.  If I had, I might have considered a linked campaign for Sawyer.  (not really sure what this says about me, but I’m pretty sure my roommate commented on my choice of Sawyer over Hurley in round 1 with a “You would!”  Now I like Hurley, but I’m telling you… the swoony bad-boy will get me every time.  Every. Time.)

Piece #2

Speaking of my roommate: she and her fiance bought a house last night!  Yay for them!  (brings into stark reality my need for a new roommate and some sort of “plan” though… boo…)

I was flipping through channels last night to find something to put on in the background as I got some things ready for the retreat this weekend and (hopefully) take a nap when I came across The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.  I had seen this movie once before.  Anything with Sean Connery is worth at least one viewing in my opinion and this was right around the time when I was excited about comic book adaptations (such as X-Men or Spiderman). 

 I ended up watching the show in its entirety.  It’s amazing to me the things that strike you at different times in your life.  I’m sure I must have noticed the use of characters (what self-respecting English major wouldn’t have).  But I don’t think it struck me as quite so… ingenious… as it did last night.  Creating a fictional world in which fictional characters (from other fictional works) come together to form a “superhero” team?  Quite thought-provoking.  Alan Moore, the author of the series, once stated: “The planet of the imagination is as old as we are. It has been humanity’s constant companion with all of its fictional locations, like Mount Olympus and the gods, and since we first came down from the trees, basically. It seems very important, otherwise, we wouldn’t have it.” 

Moore doesn’t endorse adaptations of his work (he also authors V for Vendetta… another quite thought-provoking series.  Seriously, people, if you don’t know something about the comic book or graphic novel scene, you’re missing out on some pretty philosophical stuff).  Despite that, the movie adaptation is fascination.  Just look at the heroes they choose to use.  Alan Quatermain:  Okay, I get him… he’s an adventurer and the type of person one might actually see as a hero…  Mina Harker… vampiress and ex-wife to the infamous Jonathan Harker who, along with Van Helsing, fought the evils of one, Dracula.  But her hero-strength is the part of her that is vampire… the very thing that was the evil in her own world.  Then you have Dr. Jekyll… and his counterpart, Mr. Hyde.  Again, the hero-strength comes in the form of the evil of his world.

The most fascinating “hero” or “villain” character to me, however, was Dorian Gray, who’s “strength” comes in his invincibility… the invincibility afforded to him because the ramifications and consequences of any of his actions take effect on his portrait, not his person.  Though he turns out to be one of the villains, rather than a hero, his evilness manifests itself for reasons we can easily relate to.  That portrait, his Achilles heal, was at stake.  He chose to save himself, over the good of man-kind.  And completely stayed within character.

And it is this distinction that sets apart our other heroes.  Though their strengths might be provided to them by their evil natures or a result of malicious things in the world, they all choose to save man-kind… from them.  They chose to fight to take down the man who wanted to create more of them.  They could have thought, “hey, here’s my chance”.  If others were like them they would no longer be alienated, no longer be “freaks of nature (or science).”  But they recognized that their uniqueness was, in-it-self, a strength, and recognized that these manifestations of evil they used as their “strengths” should not be wished on anyone else, for any reason.  They banded together and effectively prevented the villain(s) from creating any more of them.

Superheroes are a funny lot.  In a book I just read, The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult, one of the main characters, a comic book writer, indicated that creating villains was more fun because heroes had to fit a pre-defined mold.  And you can see that… Batman, Superman, Spiderman (any guy that ends in man J), the various X-Men… they may have their differences and their own character flaws, but they mainly fit a pre-defined formula.

Alan Moore, the author of the League, breaks that mold.  Though he uses some more formulaic heroes (such as Quatermain) he takes the characters who are fringe characters, or characters who are stamped with evil and turn them into heroes.  Makes you sit back and contemplated what true heroism is.  What if heroism doesn’t really have anything to do with the outside world?  What if heroism is the ability to recognize the evil nature in ourselves (that nature which we all have within ourselves to be bad) and choosing keep that nature from surfacing?  What if the only thing from which the world needs saved is… ourselves?

(note:  the above commentary does not necessarily reflect the beliefs of the commentator.  They are rather “thought” questions to be used to spark conversation )

Okay… Sorry this might be a bit rough but I’m posting on the blackberry (which you did know I had BAS… I just think you forgot…remember my excitement over being able to “poat” from the bb?)

I know this has been said many times before by political commentators much smarter and more savvy than I, but WHAT a strange political season this has been. McCain, who was pretty much out of the running a couple of months ago, clinched the republican nomination tonight…

And Clinton and Obama are still at it… I hate to tell them, but they’re effectively strangling the democratic party… Think about it… Now McCain can begin an actual presidential campaign, not a nomination campaign. And with democrats pretty much split (and pretty much emphatically… People feel pretty strongly For their candidate and against the other) he can pretty much jump on a “unity” for change kind of ticket…

I don’t care what the polls are saying (they keep going back and forth on “electability” when factoring whether C or O would be better pitted against McCain)… I think a unified party will always have a better chance than a “house divided.” After these G. W. Bush years I truly thought it impossible to get another Republican in the office this time around… But now I think there’s a good chance…

And who will Republicans have to thank?

The presidency is greater than one man (or woman) Senators Clinton and Obama.

(I was going to insert a “hanging” comment here b/c I thought it appropriate in light of the strangulation of the democratic party’s hopes and the need of one of the Senators to cut the rope for the good of the party. But political correctness has me editing it to this comment…

Usually I don’t stand too long on the p.c. or censorship soapbox, but I have just realized that the freedom afforded people in this country to express themselves using “the pen” rather than the sword is seriously suffocated when every metaphor or illustration can be twisted to offend…)

Damn political correctness…

Senators? One of you had better cut the rope… Neither of you may have broken your neck when the barrel was kicked out from beneath you, but your slow asphyxiation is quickly choking your party’s chances for the presidency.

Or if that’s too offensive for the Obama fans (hey, I like some of the things the man stands for too) try this… Senators? One of you needs to get out of the kitchen. Too many cooks ruin the soup, and as things stand now, we’ll be eating the same OLD conservative soup for the next four years…

This message brought to you by an equal opportunity alienator…

(NIV)

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  ”The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.  

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.  ”His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’  

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.  

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

Matthew 6: 14-15

(NIV)

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

(NLT)

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.  

(The Message)

In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.

We’re getting ready to start a new 4 week series in our Jr. High Fuel groups.  The overarching theme is “Healthy Relationships” but the emphasis is on forgiveness, both asking for it and extending it to others.  

A week ago, yesterday, I sat down with Chris and Kyle (the new student ministries’ intern) to work on plans for this series.  It’s something Chris and I (Kyle just started in January) have been doing through each of the different series we’ve be doing for the small groups.  It’s a process I’ve come to really enjoy.  I find it quite valuable brainstorming about things and bouncing ideas off of others.  I’ve also enjoyed partnering with Chris during this process.    

(For some reason that humbles me each time I think upon it, he truly values my opinion and input.  And that means a lot.  I love working with Jr. High kids and I know I have a special heart for them that must come directly from God.  But I would do it regardless of how valuable or appreciated I felt; so to feel valued and appreciated is a side-benefit I’m trying to learn to be okay with… I will have to analyze that some at a different time as that is totally tangential to the point of this pondering).  

Back to the topic at hand…  

During the planning for this session, I felt less-than-useful.  Thankfully there were two guys there (and another one a little later on in the meeting), so the fact that I was struggling with retreating into my head was probably not as apparent to the rest of the world as it was to me.  Because for me, every fiber of my being was screaming at me to retreat… to beg off for this series, to suggest a different one, ANY thing, besides the topic of unconditional forgiveness…   

Now don’t get me wrong.  I like a lot of the things that are going to be conveyed by this series.  For example:

ö     You should own up to your mistakes and your humanity by asking for forgiveness

ö     Being truly sorry and seeking forgiveness involves action not just asking

ö     Forgiving is not forgetting.  There are appropriate and inappropriate ways of guarding yourself from further harm.  

All good things for anyone to learn.  What I wanted to reject was the following idea:

ö     In all things, and for all things, we should forgive.  

Several times, for several of the lessons, Kyle wondered if some kind of debate might be fashioned.  At one point, a debate could have ended up looking like this:  Things that should be forgiven vs. things that are unforgivable.  Chris mentioned that he wasn’t sure about doing something like that because that would require us allowing someone to argue that something or several things, were, in fact, unforgivable.    

I’m still struggling with this.  Isn’t not believing in and accepting Christ’s sacrifice “unforgivable?”  Isn’t it that by accepting the forgiveness that is offered through Christ’s death on the cross the only way that God can forgive us?  And thus, there are even things that God doesn’t forgive?  And don’t the above references point towards an unwillingness or inability on the part of God to forgive when we won’t or don’t forgive?  If there are things that even God cannot forgive, how can mere humans forgive all?  

And I’m simultaneously in awe that the way God works in today’s world is to use fallible human beings as His messengers of Grace and Truth.  We are in no way perfect and holy as He is.  And yet, we are the ones who get to be the expressions of His being.  

I still don’t have answers for those questions.  They remain apparent inconsistencies I’ve been struggling with for a while.  But some things I DO know:

ö     God is not an inconsistent being; thus the inconsistencies are an inability on my part to see the reconciliation of truth, not actual inconsistencies

ö     I might not have solid answers for those questions, but I don’t need them.  Because really all they represent are excuses for me to hold on to… so many things… that I just need to let go my hold of and hand over to God.  

There have been several times in the past when I’ve been extremely grateful to be a leader in this ministry.  Because the nature within me that fought against the hypocracy of the church when I was younger still lies within me.  I can’t get up and talk to Jr. High girls about the way they should act or react to God’s truth and then go and do the opposite in my own life.  (Well, I can, because I’m a sinful human being, but it’s a LOT harder to do and I can’t, in good conscious, do so in an active manner.)  

Knowing that, I felt actually sick to my stomach over the idea of having any type of lesson where I would have to admit to the truth I know is from God about forgiving in all circumstances.  Because there’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge when it comes to truth.  Though I’ve read Matthew before, the two passages I quoted at the beginning of this post have never stood out to me as starkly as they did when we were discussing them at the planning meeting.  Now, I must admit, there has been a time in my life when I’ve known God’s truth and actively ignored or disobeyed anyway.  When I did it was a literal choice I made.  Though I’ve been struggling with the issue of forgiveness for awhile, it was not me choosing to ignore God, but actively seeking to understand His intents and purposes in the area.

But that day it became clear to me.  And for me to hold on to bitterness or hatred and refuse forgiveness would mean quite an active decision on my part to blatantly ignore the truth that was revealed to me.  And I learned my lesson that one time… that doesn’t work out too well…  All well and good, right??… My search had (though in a time and place I wasn’t expecting it to) led to answers and now I am set free and should be at peace, right?… But it’s a funny thing living here in a fallen world.  Even peace takes time and effort.  And knowing that if I didn’t actively want to refuse God’s truth meant that I would have to actively accept it?    I love you, Jesus.  I really do.  But it’s not the easiest thing in the world to hear what to do without hearing how to do it… How do you tell the widow who’s policeman husband was shot in the line of duty to forgive that criminal?  Or how do you tell the parents whose child was kidnapped and killed to forgive the person who turned their world upside down?  How do you convince a Jr. High girl that the friend that stabbed her in the back and spread that rumor, forever ruining her reputation, is also precious to God and should be forgiven?

…And how do you forgive the person in your life who stole your innocence; the people who ignored it; the people who covered it up; the people who blamed a child for the acts of a man that child didn’t even understand at the time? 

How do you let go of the anger and the pain? 

How do you get back what was lost and allow any guy to come anywhere close to you? 

How do you forgive a family that has defined “family” as a place of lies and secrets, abuse and false-blame, pain and anguish? 

And how can that child forgive herself?  

The only way I can think of is by believing that you aren’t a contradictory God and that You are who You say You are and You will do what You’ve said You will do.  I can do all things with you, Lord Jesus.  Be my Strength when I find I have none left; be my Accepter of truth when all I feel is rebellion; be my Belief when all I can see is disbelief; be the Grace I need to extend when everything in me only wants justice; be the Love inside me when I feel I will be overcome with hatred and anger; be the Kindness in my heart when I’m overwhelmed with self-loathing; and be the Truth that drives out the darkness within my mind, my heart, and my soul.  You are a God of Truth and I know that Your Truth WILL set me free.   Thank you for being Faithful to me, for making your truth known, and for helping me accept that truth.